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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Yahoo Back On Top After Purchasing Millions Of 13-Year-Old Girls’ Blogs

SUNNYVALE, CA—Finally overcoming competition from the likes of Google, Microsoft, and AOL, internet corporation Yahoo firmly re-secured its place as an industry leader after Sunday’s purchase of millions of blogs written by 13-year-old girls. “While Yahoo has seen its share of struggles over the years, the company’s acquisition of over 100 million blogs written by middle-school females before bedtime has already majorly revitalized the company’s brand,” said BCG consultant Timothy Shore, praising the $1.1 billion purchase of web pages filled with complaints about parents, speculation about cute boys in school, and photos of Robert Pattinson. “Yahoo is looking to the future here, and tying the entire life of their company to a bunch of pubescent girl bloggers was the smart move.” Yahoo has projected that 13-year-old Melissa Wheeler’s blog, mellisasworld.tumlbr.com, would eventually pull in over $2.3 billion for the company.

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