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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Yankee Players Boo When A-Rod Shown On Jumbotron

NEW YORK—A chorus of boos accompanied by shouts of “You suck!” “Get out of town, asshole!” and “Die!” could be heard from the New York Yankees dugout Monday when Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez was briefly shown on the stadium’s jumbotron during opening day ceremonies, team sources confirmed. “You’re not a true Yankee and you never were!” Yankees second baseman Robinson Cano reportedly screamed at the center-field video screen when a stadium cameraman focused on Rodriguez, who was sitting next to Cano in the dugout at the time. “Fuck you, Fuck-Rod! You little bitch.” While Yankee players and coaches proceeded to flip off Rodriguez’s projected image, the third baseman appeared unaffected, staring straight ahead and eating sunflower seeds.

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