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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Yankees' Backup 3rd Baseman Woken Up

TAMPA, FL—His team lacking a third baseman for Tuesday's Grapefruit League game against the Reds, the Yankees' Derek Jeter reluctantly awoke backup third baseman Cody Ransom, who until that point had been sleeping peacefully at the far end of the dugout. "Hey, buddy. Hey, time to get up," Jeter whispered to Ransom, who had slept in the same spot every day since spring training began. When the journeyman responded by mumbling incoherently and readjusting the glove he was using as a pillow, Jeter was forced to take a firmer but still gentle tone, telling Ransom that "today is a big day for you" and that "we need you out in the field to pick up all the grounders and bat ninth and everything, okay, big guy?" Ransom responded by stretching deeply, opening one eye, and asking Jeter what day it was and why everyone looked so worried.

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