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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Yankees Blame Slow Start On It Being A 162-Game Season So Calm The Fuck Down

NEW YORK—After losing their first three games and needing extra innings to beat the lowly Baltimore Orioles, the 3-3 New York Yankees addressed the fears of their fans Thursday by saying they were still slated to play more than 150 games this season and everyone should really take a deep breath and relax. "Okay, Mariano Rivera isn't as young as he used to be, and our bats started out slow, but you know, it's freaking April," Yankees manager Joe Girardi said. "At this point I think we'll be in good shape when the Red Sox come to town on Oct. 1, thank you very much." In related news, the front office of the 4-2 Mets, who opened the season with three straight victories, cautioned fans that the team may not win another game in 2012.

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