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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Yankees Blame Slow Start On It Being A 162-Game Season So Calm The Fuck Down

NEW YORK—After losing their first three games and needing extra innings to beat the lowly Baltimore Orioles, the 3-3 New York Yankees addressed the fears of their fans Thursday by saying they were still slated to play more than 150 games this season and everyone should really take a deep breath and relax. "Okay, Mariano Rivera isn't as young as he used to be, and our bats started out slow, but you know, it's freaking April," Yankees manager Joe Girardi said. "At this point I think we'll be in good shape when the Red Sox come to town on Oct. 1, thank you very much." In related news, the front office of the 4-2 Mets, who opened the season with three straight victories, cautioned fans that the team may not win another game in 2012.

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