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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Yankees Boost Payroll By Signing A-Rod Again

NEW YORK—Continuing a high-spending offseason that has seen the team sign free agents CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, and Mark Teixeira to lucrative contracts, the New York Yankees dipped into their pocketbook once again to sign Alex Rodriguez to another 10-year, $275 million deal. "This contract will run concurrent to the 10-year, $275 million contract we signed with Alex last winter," said Yanks' GM Brian Cashman, who announced that the deal includes the option for yet another 7-year, $175 million deal. "This gives us some more flexibility in the 2018 season. We hit a stumbling block when [agent] Scott [Boras] insisted we reinstitute the last three years of the deal Alex opted out of, but then we decided to just throw $75 million in there. Alex is a great player, and we think his new contract will be a great addition to our payroll." Reports indicate the Yankees have entered negotiations to once again sign Derek Jeter, CC Sabathia, and Alex Rodriguez.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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