adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Yankees Boost Payroll By Signing A-Rod Again

NEW YORK—Continuing a high-spending offseason that has seen the team sign free agents CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, and Mark Teixeira to lucrative contracts, the New York Yankees dipped into their pocketbook once again to sign Alex Rodriguez to another 10-year, $275 million deal. "This contract will run concurrent to the 10-year, $275 million contract we signed with Alex last winter," said Yanks' GM Brian Cashman, who announced that the deal includes the option for yet another 7-year, $175 million deal. "This gives us some more flexibility in the 2018 season. We hit a stumbling block when [agent] Scott [Boras] insisted we reinstitute the last three years of the deal Alex opted out of, but then we decided to just throw $75 million in there. Alex is a great player, and we think his new contract will be a great addition to our payroll." Reports indicate the Yankees have entered negotiations to once again sign Derek Jeter, CC Sabathia, and Alex Rodriguez.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close