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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Yankees Disabled List Absolutely Stacked

NEW YORK—After recently acquiring third baseman Alex Rodriguez, center fielder Curtis Granderson, first baseman Mark Teixeira, and shortstop Derek Jeter, the New York Yankees disabled list is absolutely stacked this year, sources confirmed Thursday. “This is a deep, deep DL,” said ESPN baseball analyst John Kruk, who noted that the injured list is loaded with power, speed, and multiple probable Hall of Famers. “Looking at the sheer talent they have, from top to bottom it’s a murderers’ row. If they can land a couple quality pitchers, this could be one of those historic disabled lists that people talk about for decades to come.” At press time, unconfirmed rumors indicated that the Yankees’ formidable disabled list may soon acquire Cy Young–winning left-handed pitcher CC Sabathia.

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