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Yankees Disabled List Absolutely Stacked

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Yankees Disabled List Absolutely Stacked

NEW YORK—After recently acquiring third baseman Alex Rodriguez, center fielder Curtis Granderson, first baseman Mark Teixeira, and shortstop Derek Jeter, the New York Yankees disabled list is absolutely stacked this year, sources confirmed Thursday. “This is a deep, deep DL,” said ESPN baseball analyst John Kruk, who noted that the injured list is loaded with power, speed, and multiple probable Hall of Famers. “Looking at the sheer talent they have, from top to bottom it’s a murderers’ row. If they can land a couple quality pitchers, this could be one of those historic disabled lists that people talk about for decades to come.” At press time, unconfirmed rumors indicated that the Yankees’ formidable disabled list may soon acquire Cy Young–winning left-handed pitcher CC Sabathia.

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