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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Yankees Fans Turn On Mariano Rivera After Spat With Wildly Popular Joba Chamberlain

NEW YORK—Following the pair’s highly publicized confrontation before a game last week, New York Yankees closer Mariano Rivera reportedly felt the full wrath of fans Tuesday evening for crossing widely beloved Yankees icon Joba Chamberlain. “Nobody messes with Joba around here and gets away with it,” said 46-year-old lifelong fan Chris Ferland, one of thousands loudly booing Rivera during the team’s game against the Seattle Mariners before chants of “Joba” erupted around Yankee Stadium. “Joba Chamberlain is the heart and soul of the Yankees—when you think of the pinstripes, you think Chamberlain. That Rivera guy better learn his place and show some damn respect.” According to sources, the backlash, while fierce, still pales in comparison to fan outrage when shortstop Derek Jeter reportedly had a falling out with Yankees legend Alex Rodriguez in 2006.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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