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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Yankees Honor Derek Jeter, Retire His Number, Forcibly Remove Him From Stadium

NEW YORK—In a farewell ceremony before the team’s Tuesday night game against the Rays, the New York Yankees paid tribute to longtime shortstop Derek Jeter by officially retiring his number and then forcibly escorting him out of the stadium, sources confirmed. “Over 18 incredible seasons, Derek was one of the best players baseball has ever seen, and his amazing career speaks for itself,” Yankees GM Brian Cashman said to the crowd as he walked Jeter—who repeatedly looked around in confusion—to center field while former teammates Jorge Posada, Paul O’Neill, and Bernie Williams unveiled the number 2 jersey in Monument Park. “While we’re all sad that this is his last appearance at Yankee Stadium, none of us will ever forget his amazing contributions to this ball club. It’ll be strange not seeing you out there anymore, Derek, but you’ll always be remembered as an all-time Yankee great. So let’s hear it one last time for our captain, Derek Jeter!” The ceremony reportedly concluded as security guards took Jeter’s hand and waved it to the crowd, dragged him inside the stadium against his will, and then shoved him out into the parking lot.

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