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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Yankees Liken A-Rod's Growing Greed To Kino From Steinbeck's The Pearl

NEW YORK—In a two-page, 500-word report released Monday, Yankees GM Brian Cashman compared the destructive force of Alex Rodriguez's greed to the plight of Kino, the impoverished Mexican diver from John Steinbeck's 1947 novella, The Pearl. "Just as when Kino discovered the 'Pearl of the World' and allowed his love of profit to supplant his love of family, so has A-Rod's desire for wealth perverted his immense talent. Once so pure and innocent, his natural ability has been transformed into nothing more than an agent for financial gain," Cashman wrote, noting that A-Rod's dilemma exposes the fallacy of the American Dream and also that a baseball is like a giant pearl. "If A-Rod gives in to the temptation of riches beyond his wildest dreams, he could suffer the same fate as Kino—lowball offers from equally greedy owners, contempt from those who once loved him, and the death of his young son Coyotito." Rodriguez called Cashman's comments untrue, confusing in parts, and repetitive, and gave him a D+.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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