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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Yankees Liken A-Rod's Growing Greed To Kino From Steinbeck's The Pearl

NEW YORK—In a two-page, 500-word report released Monday, Yankees GM Brian Cashman compared the destructive force of Alex Rodriguez's greed to the plight of Kino, the impoverished Mexican diver from John Steinbeck's 1947 novella, The Pearl. "Just as when Kino discovered the 'Pearl of the World' and allowed his love of profit to supplant his love of family, so has A-Rod's desire for wealth perverted his immense talent. Once so pure and innocent, his natural ability has been transformed into nothing more than an agent for financial gain," Cashman wrote, noting that A-Rod's dilemma exposes the fallacy of the American Dream and also that a baseball is like a giant pearl. "If A-Rod gives in to the temptation of riches beyond his wildest dreams, he could suffer the same fate as Kino—lowball offers from equally greedy owners, contempt from those who once loved him, and the death of his young son Coyotito." Rodriguez called Cashman's comments untrue, confusing in parts, and repetitive, and gave him a D+.

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