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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Yankees Liken A-Rod's Growing Greed To Kino From Steinbeck's The Pearl

NEW YORK—In a two-page, 500-word report released Monday, Yankees GM Brian Cashman compared the destructive force of Alex Rodriguez's greed to the plight of Kino, the impoverished Mexican diver from John Steinbeck's 1947 novella, The Pearl. "Just as when Kino discovered the 'Pearl of the World' and allowed his love of profit to supplant his love of family, so has A-Rod's desire for wealth perverted his immense talent. Once so pure and innocent, his natural ability has been transformed into nothing more than an agent for financial gain," Cashman wrote, noting that A-Rod's dilemma exposes the fallacy of the American Dream and also that a baseball is like a giant pearl. "If A-Rod gives in to the temptation of riches beyond his wildest dreams, he could suffer the same fate as Kino—lowball offers from equally greedy owners, contempt from those who once loved him, and the death of his young son Coyotito." Rodriguez called Cashman's comments untrue, confusing in parts, and repetitive, and gave him a D+.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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