Yankees Lose World Series

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Vol 41 Issue 01

Bush Unveils New Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives

COLUMBUS, OH (Sept. 27)—Seeking to broaden his appeal among undecided voters, President Bush unveiled a new set of blind-faith-based initiatives during a campaign stop in the battleground state of Ohio Sunday. According to a senior staff member, the sweeping initiatives—which address such complex matters as climate change, the faltering economy, and challenges to American security at home and abroad—are founded on the unquestioned assumption that the Bush Administration will "take care of everything." "My blind-faith initiatives are far-reaching, and like many large issues, they are simple," Bush said. "I call upon all Americans to surrender any doubts they may have about my record. After all, naysaying is no substitute for real governance." Officials from the newly created Office Of Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives were at church and unavailable for comment.

Lesser-Known Celebrity Trials

The year brought a number of celebrity trials, but few received as much attention as thoses of Michael Jackson and Martha Stewart. What were some of 2004's lesser-known celebrity trails?

Bush Vows To Put Man On Moon Before It Disappears At End Of Month

WASHINGTON, DC (Jan. 14)—To revive U.S. interest in manned space exploration, President Bush called on NASA Wednesday to put an astronaut on the moon before it vanishes at the month's end. "The moon has already shrunk to nearly a quarter of its size," Bush said in his speech at NASA headquarters. "That means we have less than a week to move. But I do believe America has the strength, determination, and old-fashioned know-how to get a man atop the moon before it disappears altogether." The president went on to propose the construction of a lunar capsule that could land on a concave surface.

Obesity, Obesity Reports On The Rise

ALBANY, NY (Nov. 14)—Americans have never been more aware of the dangers of weight gain, nor have they ever weighed so much, according to a SUNY-Binghamton study released Monday.

Threat Of Catching Olympic Fever At All-Time Low

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO (June 13)—U.S. Olympic Committee Chief Executive Jim Scherr announced Thursday that the risk of contracting Olympic Fever, the virulent international strain of athletic obsession that sweeps the nation every four years, has dropped to a historic low.

WMDs Found

TEHRAN, IRAN (June 19)—The U.S. military's long search for weapons of mass destruction ended Wednesday when state officials in North Korea and Iran admitted to having nuclear-weapons programs.

A Polarized Nation

Many people say the nation became even more politically polarized in 2004. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Yankees Lose World Series

NEW YORK (Oct. 27)—Many baseball fans were disappointed Wednesday when the New York Yankees, 26-time world champions and the highest-paid team in baseball, did not win the 2004 World Series.

The 2004 champion non-Yankees celebrate after the final out of Game 4.

"I really thought they were going to pull this one off in the end,"Joe Oliver said, speaking from the Midtown oyster bar where he watched the final game with a group of fellow Yankees fans. "But it just wasn't in the cards. At end, the Yankees didn't even make a single run the entire final game. They didn't even get on base."

Added Oliver: "In many ways, this is worse than going to the Series and then losing it, like we did last year."

Owner George Steinbrenner has vowed to rebuild the team for next season by wooing the top players away from the team that won the Fall Classic, a process he said will begin just as soon as someone tells him which team won the Fall Classic.

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