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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Yankees Re-Sign Popular Mascot Derek Jeter

NEW YORK—Following weeks of tense negotiations, the New York Yankees finally agreed Wednesday to a $51 million, three-year deal to bring back the team's much-loved mascot Derek Jeter. "This decision was for the fans, because so many of them come to games just to look at Derek or take pictures with him," Yankees GM Brian Cashman told reporters, adding that the mascot's presence alone is enough to boost team morale. "With his goofy smile and antics on the field, he makes Yankee Stadium a family experience. Kids just love the hilarious way he swings and misses at pitches and struggles to cover ground at shortstop." Cashman hinted that Derek Jeter would have an updated appearance this season, with an improved, slightly balder look.

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