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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Yankees Running For Dear Life After Foul Ball Smashes Into Hornet’s Nest

NEW YORK—Frantically scattering in every direction to avoid being stung by the agitated swarm, members of the New York Yankees were running for dear life after a foul ball hit by Blue Jays shortstop Troy Tulowitzki smashed into a hornet’s nest hanging from the outfield wall, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, get away,” left fielder Brett Gardner reportedly shouted before hurling his glove toward the pursuing hornets and sprinting to the safety of the Blue Jays dugout as panicking third baseman Chase Headley wildly swung his cap to keep the wasps at bay. “Guys, I can’t get stung. I’m allergic. Fuck!” At press time, sources confirmed shortstop Starlin Castro had run out of the stadium and was sprinting down Jerome Avenue.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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