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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Yankees Sign 16-Year-Old GM Prospect Out Of The Dominican

NEW YORK—Calling the 16-year-old international free agent "the next great general manager," the New York Yankees announced the signing of the Dominican Republic's Eduardo Morales Monday. "We've had our eye on [Morales] since he was a vice president of baseball operations for his youth league team," said Yankees' scouting director Damon Oppenheimer, who appointed the prospect as general manager of the Single-A Staten Island club. "This is a five-tool general manger we've got here: free agent contract negotiation, trading, drafting, Rule 5 drafting, and ballpark administration. And he's certainly not afraid to shake up a roster. As they say in the Dominican, you don't stand pat at the trading deadline to get off the island." As for the disappointing performance of current general manager Brian Cashman, Oppenheimer announced he would be put in a strict platoon with assistant GM Jean Afterman and may soon be relegated to pinch-general-managing duties.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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