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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Yankees Talking To Several Teams About Robinson Cano: ‘He’s Good And We’re Going To Keep Him’

NEW YORK—According to sources around the league, the New York Yankees have held discussions with multiple teams about All-Star second baseman Robinson Cano, specifically concerning how vital he is to the Yankees’ success and thus how important it is that they keep him in pinstripes. "Brian Cashman called me up this past week and asked what we'd be willing to give up for Robinson Cano, but before I could even answer, he said, 'Whatever it is, it wouldn't be enough, because we just love the guy,'" an executive within the Blue Jays organization told reporters. "Finally he said he wanted to get serious and talk about Jose Bautista, but it turns out he was just wondering if we appreciate having him on our team as much as they appreciate having Cano." Sources around the league have also reported the Yankees’ willingness to entertain teams inquiring about CC Sabathia with a song they've written about their devotion to the All-Star pitcher.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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