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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Yankees Talking To Several Teams About Robinson Cano: ‘He’s Good And We’re Going To Keep Him’

NEW YORK—According to sources around the league, the New York Yankees have held discussions with multiple teams about All-Star second baseman Robinson Cano, specifically concerning how vital he is to the Yankees’ success and thus how important it is that they keep him in pinstripes. "Brian Cashman called me up this past week and asked what we'd be willing to give up for Robinson Cano, but before I could even answer, he said, 'Whatever it is, it wouldn't be enough, because we just love the guy,'" an executive within the Blue Jays organization told reporters. "Finally he said he wanted to get serious and talk about Jose Bautista, but it turns out he was just wondering if we appreciate having him on our team as much as they appreciate having Cano." Sources around the league have also reported the Yankees’ willingness to entertain teams inquiring about CC Sabathia with a song they've written about their devotion to the All-Star pitcher.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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