In order to spur coupling, the National Dating Agency has lowered standards to include gambling addicts and the morbidly obese.
NEW YORK—Yankee officials announced plans Monday to construct state-of-the-art, multimillion-dollar Yankee Stadium replicas in every MLB city, allowing Yankee players to experience the same first-class amenities and home-field advantage they currently enjoy during the other 81 games of the season. "The New York Yankees are a proud, venerable franchise that should never have to be subjected to artificial turf, domes, other teams' logos, or anything unfamiliar or unfavorable," said president Hank Steinbrenner, noting that the new Yankee Stadium scheduled to open in 2009 is so beautiful and spacious that it would be a waste to only use it for half a season. "Each of the 29 new Yankee Stadiums will feature Yankee Stadium's signature white upper-deck façade as well as the historic Monument Park, and all games played in them will count as Yankee home games, as 51,000 Yankee fans will be bussed in from New York to attend them." The Yankees also plan to build Yankee Stadiums in every single international city just in case Major League Baseball ever decides to hold their season opener there.