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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Yankees To Build Stadiums In Every MLB City For Away Games

NEW YORK—Yankee officials announced plans Monday to construct state-of-the-art, multimillion-dollar Yankee Stadium replicas in every MLB city, allowing Yankee players to experience the same first-class amenities and home-field advantage they currently enjoy during the other 81 games of the season. "The New York Yankees are a proud, venerable franchise that should never have to be subjected to artificial turf, domes, other teams' logos, or anything unfamiliar or unfavorable," said president Hank Steinbrenner, noting that the new Yankee Stadium scheduled to open in 2009 is so beautiful and spacious that it would be a waste to only use it for half a season. "Each of the 29 new Yankee Stadiums will feature Yankee Stadium's signature white upper-deck façade as well as the historic Monument Park, and all games played in them will count as Yankee home games, as 51,000 Yankee fans will be bussed in from New York to attend them." The Yankees also plan to build Yankee Stadiums in every single international city just in case Major League Baseball ever decides to hold their season opener there.

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