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Yankees To Play Exhibition Game Against The Media

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Yankees To Play Exhibition Game Against The Media

TAMPA, FL—In a spring showdown between two venerable organizations that will battle one another daily during the 2008 regular season, the New York Yankees are scheduled to play a nine-inning game Sunday against their greatest rivals: the media.

The Yankees vs. Media game, a preseason tradition dating back over 100 years, began as a friendly exhibition, but in recent years has escalated into a tightly played, ultra-competitive match. Although the game often only draws a crowd of 1,000 fans to Legends Field, it has historically received an unusually large amount of media coverage.

Though the Yankees have dominated the media in the past, winning 76 of 107 contests, if they hope to continue their string of success, they must overcome such factors as an aging veteran core, young inexperienced pitchers, and ESPN.com's Buster Olney adding a late-moving cut fastball to his pitching repertoire.

"No doubt about it, the New York media is tough," Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter said. "[New York Post columnist Mike] Vaccaro's got a nasty splitter that dives away from right-handed hitters, [WFAN radio host] Chris "Mad Dog" Russo can wreak havoc on the basepaths, and [New York Daily News writer] Mike Lupica is just a gigantic asshole. But we've got a good team, too."

"Obviously, we'd be in a better position to face the media if we had gotten Johan Santana," Jeter added. "[Bergen Record columnist and left-handed home-run threat] Bob Klapisch is 0 for 17 lifetime against him with eight strikeouts."

The Yankees have announced that most of their regulars will be in the starting lineup, with the exception of Jason Giambi, who has traditionally fared poorly against the media.

The media will counter with Mike & Mike on the left side of the infield, Jim Caple at second base, Stuart "Stretch" Scott at first base, Jeanne Zelasko behind the plate, and an outfield comprising Daily News columnist Bill Madden, ESPN's Jim Rome, and WFAN's Mike Francesa, the big slugger who can really drive the ball to the opposite field. YES Network studio analyst and former MLB player David Justice is available off the bench as a backup right-fielder.

In light of the two sides' contentious past, umpires have called a pre-emptive warning against the Yankees, as Jim Rome has been beaned in the head with a 90 mph fastball eight times in recent matchups—including twice while in the on-deck circle.

YES broadcaster and sports talk-radio host Michael Kay will be doing the play-by-play. The media refused to let him join their team again, as in previous years, he has openly rooted for the opposing Yankees, and according to Caple, he "throws like a girl."

"The only way to handle the New York media is to stay inside on their hitters, be aggressive on the basepaths, and not let the big guns like Peter Gammons beat you," said new Yankee manager Joe Girardi, who is looking to prove himself to the media in the wake of Joe Torre's departure. "We can't make any bad errors or bonehead plays, because the media will just latch onto those tiny little mistakes and use them against us."

Many in the media, however, questioned if Girardi has what it takes to go head-to-head with the media. "Girardi has managed in the past, but has he ever dealt with the immense power and defensive prowess of Sports Illustrated's Tom Verducci before?" Sports Illustrated's Tom Verducci wrote in his column Monday. "As manager of the Marlins, he has only ever had to face the Florida media, who—let's face it—suck at baseball."

The Yankees players, meanwhile, look at this game as an opportunity to avenge certain statements the media has made about them in the past.

"They called me 'Mo' Problems," said closer Mariano Rivera, referring to Joel Sherman's New York Post headline following a blown save in April 2007. "I'll show you 'Mo' Problems. How about a 96 mph tailing fastball that starts at your hips and breaks back over the inside corner of the plate? Striking out Joel Sherman would be sweeter than winning 10 World Series."

A portion of Rivera's statement has already been reprinted on the back cover of 14 New York tabloids, all claiming that Rivera does not care about winning.

The upcoming game poses a challenge for many players, including Yankee superstar Alex Rodriguez, who tends to try too hard when facing the media.

"The media has a great team with a proud tradition of excellence, professionalism, and fairness," Rodriguez told members of the media Tuesday. "Tim Kurkjian has electric stuff, NBC Sports writer/blogger Aaron Gleeman is young and talented, and The New York Post's George King is one of the greatest defensive centerfielders I have ever seen. To be honest, I wouldn't mind being a part of the media someday."

Despite only occurring once a year, the Yankees vs. Media game has spawned its share of memorable moments in past seasons, including Journal News beat writer Peter Abraham's walk-off home run off Mike Mussina in 2004, Carl Pavano's perfect game in 2005, and a bench-clearing brawl in 2006 that saw Gary Sheffield attack Boston Globe columnist Bob Ryan and ESPN Page 2 pop-culture writer Bill Simmons, who lost four teeth and received a gaping head wound that needed 45 stitches to repair.

The New York Mets were scheduled to play an exhibition game against the New York media Wednesday, but the media did not show up.

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