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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Yankees To Rest Pitching Mound After 8 Innings Of CC Sabathia

NEW YORK— Yankees manager Joe Girardi announced at a press conference Tuesday his plans to give the pitching mound a few days of rest to fully recover from enduring eight grueling innings of hurler CC Sabathia. "A long outing of Sabathia really put a strain on the mound, and the last thing we want to do is risk permanent damage," said Girardi, adding that the pitching mound was iced down to prevent swelling. "The mound has been a valuable asset this year, and we have a huge investment at stake. But it's a long season and we are definitely concerned that is was so worn down after one start by CC. From here on out the mound will be limited to a strict pitcher count." While Girardi said he hopes it won't be long before the pitching mound is back out on the field, he maintained that the unfortunate situation provides an opportunity for dirt from the bullpen to get a few starts.

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