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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Yankees Warn Eduardo Nunez To Stop Showing Up Derek Jeter By Making Routine Plays At Shortstop

NEW YORK—Multiple reports from within the New York Yankees clubhouse confirmed Saturday that team officials have warned shortstop Eduardo Nunez to stop showing up injured team captain Derek Jeter by making routine plays in the field and at the plate. “Every cleanly fielded ground ball sends a pretty strong message that Eduardo is trying to upstage Derek,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi, who blasted Nunez for having the audacity to turn a double play without a throwing error, claiming the commonplace display of physical capabilities clearly reminds fans of Jeter’s advancing age and declining skills. “He needs to just cut it out; he’s making Derek look bad. Last week, when Eduardo legged out an infield single, that was like a direct slap in the face to our team captain.” Girardi, however, lauded third baseman Kevin Youkilis for helping everybody forget that Alex Rodriguez is still on the team.

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