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Yelena Isinbayeva

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Yelena Isinbayeva

Track and Field, Pole Vault — Russia

Technique: So flawless nobody has noticed the numerous optical illusions she applies to add an extra 4 feet to her jumps

Doesn’t Matter What People Say: Is still no Svetlana Feofanova

Equipment: Signature-model Nike poles used by every young female pole-vaulter in Russia

Childhood: Trained for three hours every day by vaulting onto parents’ bed using a mop

Biggest Question: Do skimpy bikini bottoms actually help the act of pole-vaulting, or is there something else going on there?

NEXT: James Magnussen

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