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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:
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Yellowstone Park Attempts To Increase Ranger Population With New Mating Program

JACKSON, WY—In an effort to revitalize its rapidly dwindling ranger population, officials at Yellowstone National Park unveiled a new mating program this week in hopes of doubling the endangered employees' numbers by 2015. "It's vital we act now and save these once proud rangers before it's too late," said National Park Service director Jonathan Jarvis, adding that his staff had already begun identifying alpha males, monitoring the fertility cycles of several females, and preparing specially designed enclosures that would encourage copulation. "We've matched more than 15 active breeding pairs and now just have to wait and pray that they successfully mate." Park sources also said that, if Friday's singles' mixer doesn't go well, some of the more resistant female rangers may have to be tranquilized and artificially inseminated.

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