Yeltsin Forcibly Ejected From Detroit-Area Check-Cashing Service

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Vol 34 Issue 06

Saltless Pretzel Hangs Alone In Bulb-Heated Rack

ODESSA, TX–A saltless "Superpretzel" is still hanging alone in a bulb-heated rack at Horizon Lanes, officials for the Odessa-area bowling alley reported Tuesday. "Looks like there's just one left," said Mack Klausner, snack-bar manager for the 12-lane alley. "Guess nobody wants the one without salt." The oversized soft pretzel, priced at 99 cents, has been rotating in the glass-enclosed case since Sept. 2, when it was sprayed with water and dipped in salt along with 17 other pretzels. "All the salt fell off," Klausner said. "Maybe we should put some more on.

Subsidiary Publication Recommends You See Parent Corporation's Movie

NEW YORK–In its latest issue, People magazine, a Time Warner subsidiary publication, strongly urged readers to see Deadlock, a new Warner Bros. legal thriller starring Denzel Washington, Gene Hackman and Elisabeth Shue. "Our parent corporation has cooked up an edge-of-your-seat courtroom nail-biter that manages to out-Grisham Grisham," People's review read. "We are proud to be under the same umbrella conglomerate as this gripping roller-coaster ride of a movie." The issue, which features Washington on its cover, also contains reviews of six new albums from Time Warner subsidiary-label artists, including Better Than Ezra (Elektra) and Hootie & The Blowfish (Atlantic), as well as a profile of Katie Holmes, star of WB's Dawson's Creek.

Area Boyfriend Much Nicer Before Sex

SHREVEPORT, LA–Jordan Farmer, 22, boyfriend of Mindy Hodges, 20, is significantly nicer before sex, Hodges reported Monday. "Before we have sex, he's always really sweet to me, and he, like, tells me my hair looks nice and stuff. And if I'm upset about something, he listens and tells me that he loves me and that everything's going to be all right," Hodges said. "But then, afterwards, he stops listening to me, and he screams at me and says he's going to break up with me if I don't stop being so clingy and annoying." Hodges has vowed to make an effort to be less clingy and annoying.

Obese Man Impaled In Wicker-Chair Disaster

STAUNTON, VA–Coroners are listing "massive wicker trauma" as the official cause in Monday's death of 420-pound Staunton resident Tony Grushecky. "Forensic evidence indicates that the base of the chair in which Mr. Grushecky sat gave out at 5 p.m. Monday, with the collapse driving razor-sharp wicker spears upwards of two feet into his morbidly obese body," Augusta County Coroner Edward Reynoso told reporters. "In my 22 years as coroner here, I've never seen such a brutal wicker-chair impaling." Grushecky's enormous rolls of body fat were insufficient to protect him from the deadly spears, Reynoso said, and numerous vital organs were irreparably wickered.

Beanie Broker Urges Storkholders To Sell

NEW YORK–Anxious over wildly fluctuating conditions in the worldwide Beanie market, Manhattan-based Beanie broker Michelle Pivarnik is strongly urging U.S. storkholders to sell off holdings of "Storky The Stork" as soon as possible, it was reported Tuesday. "It is my opinion that Storky, which rose 40 cents on the Beanie Board Monday to close at $85 with the tags, has reached its peak value, and that a stork-market crash is all but imminent," Pivarnik said. "Beanie investors with a stork portfolio of five or more Storkys may want to consider keeping one in case of its unexpected retirement, but, by and large, Storky should be regarded as a high-risk Beanie to be avoided in future tradings." Pivarnik advised storkholders to redirect their assets into blue-chip Beanies like Tabasco The Red Bull, Baldy The Eagle and Inky The Octopus.

We're Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young

Listen, humans, I am really starting to get tired of this crap. Get your shit together and learn to keep better track of your young, because we wolves are seriously sick of raising them.
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Yeltsin Forcibly Ejected From Detroit-Area Check-Cashing Service

DETROIT–Russia's economic woes continued Tuesday, when a belligerent Boris Yeltsin was forcibly ejected from a Detroit-area check-cashing service after his attempt to cash a $375 personal check drawn on a Moscow bank was denied.

Security guard Dale Hobson escorts Russian President Boris Yeltsin from the premises of a Detroit-area Check 'N' Cash store. Yeltsin was asked to leave after becoming hostile and verbally abusive over a refused check.

"[Yeltsin] came in here around 10 p.m., looking to cash a check," said Duane Simmons, night manager of the Mack Avenue Check 'N' Cash where the incident occurred. "So while he's filling out the forms, I check the list we have taped up behind the register, and guess what? The guy's name is there under both Boris Yeltsin and Yeltsin, Boris. And they're both underlined about five times, because, apparently, he owes like $4.3 billion in overdue loans to the International Monetary Fund. So I had to tell him no."

According to witnesses, Yeltsin refused to leave the window, insisting that his check was good. Over the course of the 10-minute conversation that ensued, the Russian president became increasingly hostile toward Simmons, verbally abusing him for not accepting the $375 check, which he claimed was backed by, alternately, Russian grain futures, the United Nations and his boss at Moscow Video Rental. When Simmons suggested that Yeltsin try another check-cashing service in the area, the Russian president became enraged, pounding on the bulletproof glass and threatening to deploy nuclear missiles to the store.

At that point, Simmons called security guard Dale Hobson for assistance.

"When I got there, the guy's face was bright red, and he was pointing at Duane and shouting in what sounded like Russian," Hobson said of Yeltsin. "He had already knocked over a cardboard phone-card display and was trying to tear one of the chained-up ballpoint pens from the counter."

Hobson escorted the irate Yeltsin out of the store, informing him that if he touched the store window, stood in the doorway or even walked past on the sidewalk, it would be considered trespassing, and the police would be called.

A store surveillance camera shows Yeltsin trying to cash check.

The Russian president left the area, but he returned approximately 30 minutes later with a check he claimed was for less money. Simmons, who was still at the counter, refused to let Yeltsin into the store or look at the check.

"He said, 'Please, I apologize greatly. My people need this money,'" Simmons said. "So I was like, 'Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you fired [former minister of international financial negotiations] Anatoli Chubais, sucka.'"

Yeltsin then loitered in the parking lot for another hour, approaching numerous Check 'N' Cash customers, none of whom would take the check inside.

"I could have called the police, but I felt sorry for the old man," Simmons said. "A lot of those guys on the 'do not accept' list are in legal trouble for other stuff, like failure to pay child support. I didn't want to cause any more trouble for him."

No charges were filed against Yeltsin.

News of the check refusal swept quickly through Russian political circles, providing fuel for Yeltsin's many adversaries in parliament.

"Once again, President Yeltsin has proven himself to be an incompetent, ineffectual leader whose misguided plan for Western-style economic reform is doomed," said Gennadi Seleznyov, leader of the Duma's sizable anti-Yeltsin communist faction. "If not for Yeltsin and his disastrous privatization policies, Russia could have easily gotten that check cashed."

Even acting Prime Minister Viktor Chernomyrdin, second in command to Yeltsin, expressed a lack of surprise over the incident. "I told Boris not to go when that Simmons guy was working," Chernomyrdin said. "That guy's a real hard-ass. That fat red-headed girl on the day shift never checks the list."

Yeltsin was unavailable for comment.

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