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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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'Yogi Bear' Movie Introduces Boring Cartoon Character To New Generation

BURBANK, CA—Executives at Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc. announced today that the upcoming 3-D live-action/CGI film Yogi Bear will introduce a whole new generation to a dull, culturally irrelevant cartoon character. "Finally, today's children will have the chance to be completely uninspired by the same inane and repetitive gags that failed to capture their parents' imagination," Warner Bros. spokesperson Ian Daley said of the cartoon bear, whose trademark defining feature is that he wears a hat. "So kids of all ages: Get ready to be bored to tears by the antics of a bear and his little bear sidekick who sometimes get hungry!" Daley added that the film will also introduce a new generation to a stupid, unfunny way to say "picnic basket."

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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