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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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'You Did Great!' Terrified Personal Assistant Tells Clint Eastwood

TAMPA, FL—Following Clint Eastwood’s surprise speech Thursday evening at the Republican National Convention, in which he used catchphrases from his old movies and addressed an empty chair as though Barack Obama were sitting in it, absolutely petrified personal assistant Tim Weddle nervously informed the famed actor and movie director that he “did great!” “Wow, that was amazing! Seriously, you were really, really great—everyone loved it so much,” a trembling Weddle carefully told Eastwood moments after the 82-year-old film legend finished his speech and walked slowly off the stage. “And you were so funny, too! Oh my God, so funny. The chair thing went over really well. You should have heard the laughter and applause from out here, Clint. Honestly, Clint. Honestly. And you looked so young, too!” At press time, a perspiring Weddle was frantically trying to keep Eastwood as far away as possible from any televisions, computers, or newspapers.

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