adBlockCheck

You To Still Die One Day

Top Headlines

Local

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

Sources reminded readers that even during the moments you’re not thinking about it, your death—the end of you as a person forever—continues to get ever closer.
Sources reminded readers that even during the moments you’re not thinking about it, your death—the end of you as a person forever—continues to get ever closer.

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Experts wondered if perhaps you had momentarily forgotten about that—forgotten that one day, you will be dead for all of eternity.

“At some point, you—the person reading this article right now—will simply cease to exist,” said numerous sources, who repeatedly emphasized that whether or not you’re considering your own death at any given moment has no bearing on its inevitability. “It could be today; it could be 70 years from now. The fact remains that one minute, you will be a living, breathing, conscious being with ideas and feelings and opinions and sensations, and the next, you will be nothing. Quite literally nothing.”

“And then that’s it,” experts continued. “Forever.”

At this point, sources asked if you had actually considered how long, exactly, forever is.

Numerous experts also explained to reporters how, after you have died, it will require only the most infinitesimally negligible portion of the ensuing span of time before everything you’ve ever accomplished, said, experienced, or felt is entirely forgotten—completely eradicated without even the smallest trace left behind.

Sources hastened to add that such a state of nonexistence is irreversible and will continue on infinitely, and questioned whether that was something you were currently contemplating.

“Just think—no matter how big or small or good or bad you perceive them to be, all of the choices you make during your life are, in the overall scheme of things, utterly meaningless,” sources said. “Because someday, your heart will stop beating, and blood and oxygen will no longer reach your brain, and every single memory and thought you’ve ever had will disappear and never, ever come back. That will happen to you.”

The same sources went on to question whether you fully perceived the inevitability of your own death, and not simply as a mere abstraction, but rather as the concrete, unavoidable, steadily approaching reality that it is. Indeed, these sources urged you to stop and look at your hands for a moment—really look at them, right now—and consider how they will one day rot away entirely—flesh, blood, cartilage, bone; all of it, completely gone—in the days and months and years and millennia after you have been fully and eternally extinguished from existence.

Expressing concern that you may have somehow been able to forget that you’re careening ever closer toward your own demise even while reading this sentence, sources reconfirmed that one day, you will be nothing and there will be nothing, and you will not even be aware that there is nothing.

“Are you thinking about that now?” experts asked. “Like, right now?”

Furthermore, sources added that even if you stopped reading well before this paragraph and never acknowledged the truths affirmed in this article, this would not, as if by magic, prevent you from one day being dead until the end of all time.

“It should also be noted that everyone you’ve ever known and loved is going to die, too,” experts continued. “Your mother will die; your father will die; your friends will die; your significant other will die; and so will every person you have ever seen or spoken to, or will ever meet—or never meet, for that matter. Just like you, they’ll all be gone, insensate unendingly forever and ever afterward. Have you thought about that recently?”

Experts concluded by noting that this will continue to be the case tomorrow, the next day, and every day after that until a particular day—which will be an actual, real calendar date in the future—when this inevitably happens to you. You.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close