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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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You To Receive 15 Pounds Of Venison Sausage From Uncle

YOUR HOUSE—According to reports from your sister, your uncle has completed this year's batch of venison sausage, 15 pounds of which are now en route to your home. "[Your dad] was going on and on about how he used a different batch of seasonings this year, like cloves," your sister said. "They're thicker this year, too." Upon arrival, the complimentary meat will be placed in your basement freezer below the nine pounds of last year's venison sausage.

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