adBlockCheck

'You Will Die Someday And It Will Be Sad,' All Man Thinking During Dinner With Parents

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

'You Will Die Someday And It Will Be Sad,' All Man Thinking During Dinner With Parents

Kauffman pictures the life leaving his hospitalized father's face while at dinner with his parents.
Kauffman pictures the life leaving his hospitalized father's face while at dinner with his parents.

CHICAGO—During dinner with his visiting parents at the Italian eatery Prosecco last Saturday, the only thing 29-year-old Eric Kauffman could think about was that the man and woman who had raised him, cared for him, and supported him all his life would eventually die, and that their passing would be extremely sad, sources confirmed.

While Kauffman's mother and father—62-year-old Elaine and 63-year-old Paul—looked at the menu, discussed retirement plans, and laughed at old family anecdotes, their son is said to have sat across from them and constantly pondered numerous aspects of their inevitable deaths, including how emotionally devastating it would be the moment he received that fateful call from a hospital, how mind-boggling it was that two people he felt such deep love for would suddenly just be gone, and how it was not unrealistic to think that in 15 years, or possibly even 10, he could be an orphan.

"When you die, I honestly don't know what I'll do," Kauffman reportedly thought as his father commented on the freshness of the bread and complimented his wife on her restaurant pick. "The grief I'll feel will be so staggering it literally knocks the wind out of me when I think about it."

"I'm afraid," Kauffman mused when his mother suggested they order a plate of bruschetta for the table. "You will die sooner rather than later and I feel like I'm running out of time with you. I'll miss you so much it scares me."

As Kauffman's mother and father talked about their upcoming vacation to Mexico and asked the waiter several questions about the specials, sources confirmed their son's brain continuously flashed between random images of himself as a child playing with his dad in the swimming pool or wearing his mother's homemade Halloween costumes, and future scenarios in which he would break down in tears while trying to deliver their eulogies.

Moreover, while his father sampled the wine he'd ordered and mentioned the status of several family friends, reports indicated that Kauffman kept imagining his dad withering away on a hospital bed, breathing with the aid of a respirator, smiling sweetly, and gesturing toward his son for one last hug.

"Mom is starting to look old—the way that old people look," Kauffman couldn't help but observe when he stared at the facial wrinkles and liver-spotted arms of the woman who would drop everything in an instant if he needed her, and whose support he counted on even though he never said so. "Someday I'm not going to have a mom anymore. How is that possible?"

Saying "uh-huh" as they spoke of potential Thanksgiving plans, sources later confirmed that Kauffman, a bachelor, couldn't help but wonder how painful it would be if his mother and father died before seeing him get married and have kids of his own. Moreover, Kauffman grinned politely at the mention of his sister Rebecca, who, as the passing of their grandmother had proved, would be so heartbroken by their parents' deaths that Kauffman would most assuredly have to handle all the funeral arrangements by himself.

"Funeral arrangements," Kauffman reportedly thought, "for my fucking parents of all people."

"It's spicier than I imagined it would be," the elder Kauffman said of his salmon as his son mentally noted that nearly every child had to deal with the death of a parent so what made him so special. "Mmm, potatoes are great."

"How's work, Eric?" the father asked his son, who responded, "It's good," when all that was going through his head was, "If you died in five years it wouldn't be odd because plenty of people die when they are 68."

His mother at a nursing home suffering from Alzheimer's and unable to recognize him; his father adjusting to living by himself without his partner of 50 years and then dying alone; and the devastating task of sorting through his parents' belongings because they were no longer alive to use them were the only confirmed notions swirling in Kauffman's mind when his father asked if anyone had saved room for dessert and his mother said that she would like some coffee.

"I haven't spent nearly enough time with you, and you are the most important people to me. How crazy is that?" Kauffman thought after his father paid the bill. "And the truly fucked up thing is that I have a feeling you will both die before I ever actually say, out loud, how much you mean to me."

Following the dinner, Kauffman's mother and father gave their son a hug outside the restaurant, got into a taxi, and were driven back to their hotel.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close