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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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You Worth It

"Over the course of three years of research," NCI study head Dr. Frederick Courson said, "one clear, immutable fact emerged: You work hard, and you should definitely reward yourself."

Continued Courson: "So why not treat yourself to that special thing you've had your eye on for so long? If you had any doubt before, put it to rest, because we have found, with 99.3 percent accuracy, that you deserve it."

Among the items the study found you to be worth: rich, creamy milk chocolate; a restful, luxurious mattress featuring patented ComfortCoils™; a truck you can trust; a china set as sophisticated as you are; and a wide-screen TV that brings the game right into your living room.

"Go ahead and spoil yourself for once," Courson said. "Because isn't it about time you took care of you?"

In addition to scouring magazine ads and television commercials for evidence that you are worth it, Courson said the NCI team consulted a number of leading you experts, including daytime-talk-show hosts and executives at such companies as Häagen-Dazs, Carnival Cruise Lines, Elizabeth Arden and Mercedes-Benz.

NCI researchers found abundant proof of your worthiness in advertisements. While nearly 650 watch manufacturers ran ads praising you for your ability to distinguish a quality timepiece from a cheap imitation, 475 shoe manufacturers noted that you have the ability to feel their commitment to you in every step. In addition, approximately 1,800 tourism brochures stressed that a person like you deserves to be pampered on your next vacation.

Just some of the many products you so richly deserve.

Based on your limitless merit, the NCI study concluded that you should settle for nothing less than the best.

"You're smart enough to know what you really want, so go ahead and get it," Courson said. "There's really no reason not to, as all of our research indicates that you won't regret it."

The NCI study noted that by refusing to settle for second-best, you might have to pay a little bit more money, but it's well worth it.

"Now more than ever—considering the fact that you're probably between the ages of 23 and 40, and spend at least 60 percent of your annual disposable income on clothing, entertainment and impulse purchases—you deserve it," Courson said. "And, based on our data, it's clear that you've more than earned it."

Though the study reported that you may not be the richest person in the world, you still have enough sophistication to want the good things in life. And though you may not be a model, you have a style that's all your own.

"Go ahead," said In Style magazine associate editor Marilyn Oberst, a study consultant. "You're genuine, and you love life... so live it to the fullest."

Though the report was generally positive about you, pointing out many of your strengths, it did include one warning: Because you are so driven and lead such an active life, you sometimes forget to just slow down and do something nice for yourself.

"Take time out for number one," said Sherri Dupre, a regional buyer for The Body Shop. "After all, if you don't, who will?"

Across the U.S., discriminating people like yourself are agreeing with the study's findings.

"My golf partner Ken asked me if he should get rid of his three-year-old Lexus and lease one of those new BMWs," said Larry Nystrom, a Seattle investment banker. "I told him, 'You're worth it, Ken, now more than ever.'"

"I just started using Clinique's Revitaderm skin-conditioning system, which nourishes and replenishes while it moisturizes," said Danielle Duvall of Boca Raton, FL. "It's a lot more expensive than the Almay system I used before, but why should a woman like me deny myself something I want?"

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