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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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You Worth It

"Over the course of three years of research," NCI study head Dr. Frederick Courson said, "one clear, immutable fact emerged: You work hard, and you should definitely reward yourself."

Continued Courson: "So why not treat yourself to that special thing you've had your eye on for so long? If you had any doubt before, put it to rest, because we have found, with 99.3 percent accuracy, that you deserve it."

Among the items the study found you to be worth: rich, creamy milk chocolate; a restful, luxurious mattress featuring patented ComfortCoils™; a truck you can trust; a china set as sophisticated as you are; and a wide-screen TV that brings the game right into your living room.

"Go ahead and spoil yourself for once," Courson said. "Because isn't it about time you took care of you?"

In addition to scouring magazine ads and television commercials for evidence that you are worth it, Courson said the NCI team consulted a number of leading you experts, including daytime-talk-show hosts and executives at such companies as Häagen-Dazs, Carnival Cruise Lines, Elizabeth Arden and Mercedes-Benz.

NCI researchers found abundant proof of your worthiness in advertisements. While nearly 650 watch manufacturers ran ads praising you for your ability to distinguish a quality timepiece from a cheap imitation, 475 shoe manufacturers noted that you have the ability to feel their commitment to you in every step. In addition, approximately 1,800 tourism brochures stressed that a person like you deserves to be pampered on your next vacation.

Just some of the many products you so richly deserve.

Based on your limitless merit, the NCI study concluded that you should settle for nothing less than the best.

"You're smart enough to know what you really want, so go ahead and get it," Courson said. "There's really no reason not to, as all of our research indicates that you won't regret it."

The NCI study noted that by refusing to settle for second-best, you might have to pay a little bit more money, but it's well worth it.

"Now more than ever—considering the fact that you're probably between the ages of 23 and 40, and spend at least 60 percent of your annual disposable income on clothing, entertainment and impulse purchases—you deserve it," Courson said. "And, based on our data, it's clear that you've more than earned it."

Though the study reported that you may not be the richest person in the world, you still have enough sophistication to want the good things in life. And though you may not be a model, you have a style that's all your own.

"Go ahead," said In Style magazine associate editor Marilyn Oberst, a study consultant. "You're genuine, and you love life... so live it to the fullest."

Though the report was generally positive about you, pointing out many of your strengths, it did include one warning: Because you are so driven and lead such an active life, you sometimes forget to just slow down and do something nice for yourself.

"Take time out for number one," said Sherri Dupre, a regional buyer for The Body Shop. "After all, if you don't, who will?"

Across the U.S., discriminating people like yourself are agreeing with the study's findings.

"My golf partner Ken asked me if he should get rid of his three-year-old Lexus and lease one of those new BMWs," said Larry Nystrom, a Seattle investment banker. "I told him, 'You're worth it, Ken, now more than ever.'"

"I just started using Clinique's Revitaderm skin-conditioning system, which nourishes and replenishes while it moisturizes," said Danielle Duvall of Boca Raton, FL. "It's a lot more expensive than the Almay system I used before, but why should a woman like me deny myself something I want?"

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