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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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You Worth It

"Over the course of three years of research," NCI study head Dr. Frederick Courson said, "one clear, immutable fact emerged: You work hard, and you should definitely reward yourself."

Continued Courson: "So why not treat yourself to that special thing you've had your eye on for so long? If you had any doubt before, put it to rest, because we have found, with 99.3 percent accuracy, that you deserve it."

Among the items the study found you to be worth: rich, creamy milk chocolate; a restful, luxurious mattress featuring patented ComfortCoils™; a truck you can trust; a china set as sophisticated as you are; and a wide-screen TV that brings the game right into your living room.

"Go ahead and spoil yourself for once," Courson said. "Because isn't it about time you took care of you?"

In addition to scouring magazine ads and television commercials for evidence that you are worth it, Courson said the NCI team consulted a number of leading you experts, including daytime-talk-show hosts and executives at such companies as Häagen-Dazs, Carnival Cruise Lines, Elizabeth Arden and Mercedes-Benz.

NCI researchers found abundant proof of your worthiness in advertisements. While nearly 650 watch manufacturers ran ads praising you for your ability to distinguish a quality timepiece from a cheap imitation, 475 shoe manufacturers noted that you have the ability to feel their commitment to you in every step. In addition, approximately 1,800 tourism brochures stressed that a person like you deserves to be pampered on your next vacation.

Just some of the many products you so richly deserve.

Based on your limitless merit, the NCI study concluded that you should settle for nothing less than the best.

"You're smart enough to know what you really want, so go ahead and get it," Courson said. "There's really no reason not to, as all of our research indicates that you won't regret it."

The NCI study noted that by refusing to settle for second-best, you might have to pay a little bit more money, but it's well worth it.

"Now more than ever—considering the fact that you're probably between the ages of 23 and 40, and spend at least 60 percent of your annual disposable income on clothing, entertainment and impulse purchases—you deserve it," Courson said. "And, based on our data, it's clear that you've more than earned it."

Though the study reported that you may not be the richest person in the world, you still have enough sophistication to want the good things in life. And though you may not be a model, you have a style that's all your own.

"Go ahead," said In Style magazine associate editor Marilyn Oberst, a study consultant. "You're genuine, and you love life... so live it to the fullest."

Though the report was generally positive about you, pointing out many of your strengths, it did include one warning: Because you are so driven and lead such an active life, you sometimes forget to just slow down and do something nice for yourself.

"Take time out for number one," said Sherri Dupre, a regional buyer for The Body Shop. "After all, if you don't, who will?"

Across the U.S., discriminating people like yourself are agreeing with the study's findings.

"My golf partner Ken asked me if he should get rid of his three-year-old Lexus and lease one of those new BMWs," said Larry Nystrom, a Seattle investment banker. "I told him, 'You're worth it, Ken, now more than ever.'"

"I just started using Clinique's Revitaderm skin-conditioning system, which nourishes and replenishes while it moisturizes," said Danielle Duvall of Boca Raton, FL. "It's a lot more expensive than the Almay system I used before, but why should a woman like me deny myself something I want?"

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