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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

You Worth It

"Over the course of three years of research," NCI study head Dr. Frederick Courson said, "one clear, immutable fact emerged: You work hard, and you should definitely reward yourself."

Continued Courson: "So why not treat yourself to that special thing you've had your eye on for so long? If you had any doubt before, put it to rest, because we have found, with 99.3 percent accuracy, that you deserve it."

Among the items the study found you to be worth: rich, creamy milk chocolate; a restful, luxurious mattress featuring patented ComfortCoils™; a truck you can trust; a china set as sophisticated as you are; and a wide-screen TV that brings the game right into your living room.

"Go ahead and spoil yourself for once," Courson said. "Because isn't it about time you took care of you?"

In addition to scouring magazine ads and television commercials for evidence that you are worth it, Courson said the NCI team consulted a number of leading you experts, including daytime-talk-show hosts and executives at such companies as Häagen-Dazs, Carnival Cruise Lines, Elizabeth Arden and Mercedes-Benz.

NCI researchers found abundant proof of your worthiness in advertisements. While nearly 650 watch manufacturers ran ads praising you for your ability to distinguish a quality timepiece from a cheap imitation, 475 shoe manufacturers noted that you have the ability to feel their commitment to you in every step. In addition, approximately 1,800 tourism brochures stressed that a person like you deserves to be pampered on your next vacation.

Just some of the many products you so richly deserve.

Based on your limitless merit, the NCI study concluded that you should settle for nothing less than the best.

"You're smart enough to know what you really want, so go ahead and get it," Courson said. "There's really no reason not to, as all of our research indicates that you won't regret it."

The NCI study noted that by refusing to settle for second-best, you might have to pay a little bit more money, but it's well worth it.

"Now more than ever—considering the fact that you're probably between the ages of 23 and 40, and spend at least 60 percent of your annual disposable income on clothing, entertainment and impulse purchases—you deserve it," Courson said. "And, based on our data, it's clear that you've more than earned it."

Though the study reported that you may not be the richest person in the world, you still have enough sophistication to want the good things in life. And though you may not be a model, you have a style that's all your own.

"Go ahead," said In Style magazine associate editor Marilyn Oberst, a study consultant. "You're genuine, and you love life... so live it to the fullest."

Though the report was generally positive about you, pointing out many of your strengths, it did include one warning: Because you are so driven and lead such an active life, you sometimes forget to just slow down and do something nice for yourself.

"Take time out for number one," said Sherri Dupre, a regional buyer for The Body Shop. "After all, if you don't, who will?"

Across the U.S., discriminating people like yourself are agreeing with the study's findings.

"My golf partner Ken asked me if he should get rid of his three-year-old Lexus and lease one of those new BMWs," said Larry Nystrom, a Seattle investment banker. "I told him, 'You're worth it, Ken, now more than ever.'"

"I just started using Clinique's Revitaderm skin-conditioning system, which nourishes and replenishes while it moisturizes," said Danielle Duvall of Boca Raton, FL. "It's a lot more expensive than the Almay system I used before, but why should a woman like me deny myself something I want?"

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