adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
End Of Section
  • More News

You Worth It

"Over the course of three years of research," NCI study head Dr. Frederick Courson said, "one clear, immutable fact emerged: You work hard, and you should definitely reward yourself."

Continued Courson: "So why not treat yourself to that special thing you've had your eye on for so long? If you had any doubt before, put it to rest, because we have found, with 99.3 percent accuracy, that you deserve it."

Among the items the study found you to be worth: rich, creamy milk chocolate; a restful, luxurious mattress featuring patented ComfortCoils™; a truck you can trust; a china set as sophisticated as you are; and a wide-screen TV that brings the game right into your living room.

"Go ahead and spoil yourself for once," Courson said. "Because isn't it about time you took care of you?"

In addition to scouring magazine ads and television commercials for evidence that you are worth it, Courson said the NCI team consulted a number of leading you experts, including daytime-talk-show hosts and executives at such companies as Häagen-Dazs, Carnival Cruise Lines, Elizabeth Arden and Mercedes-Benz.

NCI researchers found abundant proof of your worthiness in advertisements. While nearly 650 watch manufacturers ran ads praising you for your ability to distinguish a quality timepiece from a cheap imitation, 475 shoe manufacturers noted that you have the ability to feel their commitment to you in every step. In addition, approximately 1,800 tourism brochures stressed that a person like you deserves to be pampered on your next vacation.

Just some of the many products you so richly deserve.

Based on your limitless merit, the NCI study concluded that you should settle for nothing less than the best.

"You're smart enough to know what you really want, so go ahead and get it," Courson said. "There's really no reason not to, as all of our research indicates that you won't regret it."

The NCI study noted that by refusing to settle for second-best, you might have to pay a little bit more money, but it's well worth it.

"Now more than ever—considering the fact that you're probably between the ages of 23 and 40, and spend at least 60 percent of your annual disposable income on clothing, entertainment and impulse purchases—you deserve it," Courson said. "And, based on our data, it's clear that you've more than earned it."

Though the study reported that you may not be the richest person in the world, you still have enough sophistication to want the good things in life. And though you may not be a model, you have a style that's all your own.

"Go ahead," said In Style magazine associate editor Marilyn Oberst, a study consultant. "You're genuine, and you love life... so live it to the fullest."

Though the report was generally positive about you, pointing out many of your strengths, it did include one warning: Because you are so driven and lead such an active life, you sometimes forget to just slow down and do something nice for yourself.

"Take time out for number one," said Sherri Dupre, a regional buyer for The Body Shop. "After all, if you don't, who will?"

Across the U.S., discriminating people like yourself are agreeing with the study's findings.

"My golf partner Ken asked me if he should get rid of his three-year-old Lexus and lease one of those new BMWs," said Larry Nystrom, a Seattle investment banker. "I told him, 'You're worth it, Ken, now more than ever.'"

"I just started using Clinique's Revitaderm skin-conditioning system, which nourishes and replenishes while it moisturizes," said Danielle Duvall of Boca Raton, FL. "It's a lot more expensive than the Almay system I used before, but why should a woman like me deny myself something I want?"

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close