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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Young Billionaire's Age Not Reported For Sake Of Nation's Ego

NEW YORK—Major media outlets confirmed Friday their agreement to omit young billionaire Terry Gibson's age from all news reports as part of an effort to protect the fragile egos of Americans and prevent national morale from sinking to an all-time low. "With the economy lagging and millions of Americans still out of work, the last thing people need to hear is the age of some young billionaire inventor who's just rolling in it," said ABC News president Ben Sherwood, adding that the enormously wealthy young man was "under 30, and let's just leave it at that." "Just seeing that kid's smiling baby face is going to be depressing enough." Television broadcasts and newspapers are not revealing that the billionaire makes $50 per second, claiming that the information would cause every citizen in the country to blow their fucking head off.

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