Young Billionaire's Age Not Reported For Sake Of Nation's Ego

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Vol 47 Issue 24

Dressing Up For Going Out

It's always hard to decide what to wear when you're going out for the evening. Here are some ways to look your best for a night on the town:  

Nation's Dads Treated To Mark Knopfler Meet-And-Greet

CHICAGO—In what many were calling "the best Father's Day present ever," the nation's dads were treated to a Mark Knopfler meet-and-greet Thursday, spending several minutes chatting and posing for photos with the former Dire Straits frontma...

Partygoer Gets Thoughtful

LAFAYETTE, LA—At approximately 11:20 P.M. Friday night, the festive attitude of local partygoer Nathan Daniels, 34, suddenly gave way to a more thoughtful and introspective mood, witnesses reported.

'America's Most Wanted' Canceled

After 23 years on the air, America's Most Wanted—the Fox show that dramatizes real crimes in order to assist in the capture of suspects—will no longer air as a weekly program.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

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Young Billionaire's Age Not Reported For Sake Of Nation's Ego

NEW YORK—Major media outlets confirmed Friday their agreement to omit young billionaire Terry Gibson's age from all news reports as part of an effort to protect the fragile egos of Americans and prevent national morale from sinking to an all-time low. "With the economy lagging and millions of Americans still out of work, the last thing people need to hear is the age of some young billionaire inventor who's just rolling in it," said ABC News president Ben Sherwood, adding that the enormously wealthy young man was "under 30, and let's just leave it at that." "Just seeing that kid's smiling baby face is going to be depressing enough." Television broadcasts and newspapers are not revealing that the billionaire makes $50 per second, claiming that the information would cause every citizen in the country to blow their fucking head off.

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