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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Young Couple Hasn't Yet Realized They Don't Have To Do Grocery Shopping, Laundry Together

BREMERTON, WA–According to observers, Jon Lowe, 22, and Rachel Dennard, 21, have not yet realized that grocery shopping and laundry can be accomplished by a single person. "I was at the laundromat yesterday and saw the two of them loading clothes into the dryer together," fellow Bremerton resident Michelle Ganz, 37, said Monday. "I guess being apart for the time it takes to toss some shit in the wash is an eternity of longing for those two."

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