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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Young Knicks Player Keeps Asking About Patrick Ewing

NEW YORK—Sources within the New York Knicks organization report that outspoken Knicks guard Nate Robinson continues to ask pressing questions concerning the whereabouts of "the supposed big-time legend" Patrick Ewing during team practices, in-game timeouts, and even personal phone calls to Knicks coach Isiah Thomas. "If this guy's so good, if he's such a Knicks institution, how come he never shows up to practice, or even regular-season games, like the rest of us do?" Robinson asked during lay-up drills the day after a crushing defeat by the Detroit Pistons. "I mean, we really could have used a seven-foot-tall, 11-time All-Star against Shaq last week, am I right? Couldn't have hurt, could it?" Robinson's obsession may have reached a crisis point earlier this week when, after noticing Ewing's jersey hanging from the ceiling at Madison Square Garden, Robinson took possession of it and chased a seven-foot-tall man around New York City, eventually realizing he had apprehended a vacationing Dikembe Mutombo.

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