adBlockCheck

Young Olympic Hopeful Realizes Dream of Killing Father

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Young Olympic Hopeful Realizes Dream of Killing Father

ATLANTA—U.S. Olympic gymnast Dominique Miller, 15, considered a favorite to bring home the gold in Atlanta, achieved her lifelong dream yesterday, killing her father/coach with a 12-gauge shotgun.

“I can’t believe I’ve actually done it,” said an exuberant, beaming Miller, holding several giant bouquets of flowers given to her by fans. “This is really a lifelong dream come true—it’s the greatest high a young athlete could ever experience.”

Miller, who had been training with her father, Karl Miller, for the Olympics since age three, realized the longtime dream shortly after finishing second in yesterday’s Olympic qualifying round, shooting him in the chest before hundreds of onlookers.

Miller said she had a good feeling about the shot as soon as it left the shotgun. “I had his heart squarely lined up in the gun sight, and I got a real clean pull on the trigger,” she said. “The moment that blast went off and the gun kicked back, I knew I’d landed it perfect.”

One gymnastics judge who happened to witness the event also gave Miller high marks. “Dominique’s form was perfect—the bullet entered the body cleanly and stuck squarely in the middle of the chest cavity, right between the heart and the sternum,” said judge Marcy Conners of Canada. “That’s right where you want it.”

Added Conners: “I would give this murder a 10.”

For Miller, the slaying represented the culmination of years of hard work. “I’ve been practicing this routine for years,” Miller said. “Every morning at 6, I’d get up early and do an exact run-through, hiding the gun under my bed, sneaking it over to the arena under my coat, and pulling it out from under the table in the trainer’s room.”

Miller almost realized her dream at the ‘92 Barcelona Olympics, but a last-minute trigger-finger injury dashed her hopes. “I sprained it pretty bad the morning I was going to do it,” Miller said. “It was devastating—I thought I’d never be able to come back; I thought I’d be too old to try again in ’96. But I did it.”

Miller was arrested soon after yesterday’s slaying, charged with second-degree homicide. If found guilty, she could face 30 years in federal prison.

“I’m so excited, I’m not even thinking about prison right now,” said a detained but triumphant Miller, raising her handcuffed hands and waving to fans. “Right now I just want to enjoy this moment, enjoy what I’ve achieved. Maybe tomorrow I’ll think about the homicide charges, but right now, this is a time for celebration.”

When asked by one reporter what she will do next, now that she has killed her father, the gymnast replied: “I’m going to the Andrew B. Stevens Federal Courthouse Building!”

In addition to receiving letters from thousands of fans, Miller has received congratulatory messages from such celebrities as Brooke Shields, Macaulay Culkin and tennis stars Jennifer Capriati and Mary Pierce.

“Congratulations, Dominique!” read a note from Capriati. “I’m so proud of you for what you’ve accomplished. It’s something I’ve always dreamed of doing but never got the courage to do. You’re a real champion. P.S.—Will you kill my dad for me?”

Funeral services for Karl Miller are 3 p.m. today at First Presbyterian Church in Atlanta. Second-round Olympic gymnastics events are scheduled for 4 p.m.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close