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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Younger Cousin’s Growth Spurt Throws Off Competitive Balance At Family’s Thanksgiving Touch Football Game

ALEXANDRIA, MN—Admitting their disbelief at how tall and strong the 13-year-old has gotten since last year, members of the local Gunderson family confirmed Thursday that younger cousin Will Gunderson’s growth spurt has completely thrown off the competitive balance of their annual Thanksgiving touch football game. “He’s usually on the opposite team of Ethan since they’re both the youngest, but now it’s just not fair—Will must have at least four inches and 20 pounds on him,” said 23-year-old Steven Gunderson, adding that his younger cousin’s drastic change in height and size forced the family to stop the game after a few downs and reevaluate everyone’s skill level in order to prevent one team from suffering a total blowout. “It’d be one thing if Will was just tall, but he’s pretty fast and actually put a bit of muscle on those scrawny arms he used to have. I don’t know what Aunt Tina’s been feeding him, but one thing’s for sure: If we play with the same teams we normally have, it’ll be a goddamn bloodbath out there.” At press time, numerous backyard sources confirmed that Will’s growth spurt was entirely offset by the noticeable decline in speed and strength of his 62-year-old father.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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