OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Younger Cousin’s Growth Spurt Throws Off Competitive Balance At Family’s Thanksgiving Touch Football Game

ALEXANDRIA, MN—Admitting their disbelief at how tall and strong the 13-year-old has gotten since last year, members of the local Gunderson family confirmed Thursday that younger cousin Will Gunderson’s growth spurt has completely thrown off the competitive balance of their annual Thanksgiving touch football game. “He’s usually on the opposite team of Ethan since they’re both the youngest, but now it’s just not fair—Will must have at least four inches and 20 pounds on him,” said 23-year-old Steven Gunderson, adding that his younger cousin’s drastic change in height and size forced the family to stop the game after a few downs and reevaluate everyone’s skill level in order to prevent one team from suffering a total blowout. “It’d be one thing if Will was just tall, but he’s pretty fast and actually put a bit of muscle on those scrawny arms he used to have. I don’t know what Aunt Tina’s been feeding him, but one thing’s for sure: If we play with the same teams we normally have, it’ll be a goddamn bloodbath out there.” At press time, numerous backyard sources confirmed that Will’s growth spurt was entirely offset by the noticeable decline in speed and strength of his 62-year-old father.

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