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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Youngest Sibling In Family Kind Of Thought Mom Would Lose Steam By Now

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Saying that she still strictly enforces household rules and closely monitors where he goes with friends, high school junior and youngest of three siblings Rob Shearer told reporters this week that he had kind of assumed his mother, Anne Shearer, 51, would have lost some steam by now. “I guess I just thought that after more than 20 years of parenting she’d be kind of beaten down, but she still makes me check in with her any time I go anywhere,” said Shearer, noting that he had been counting on the cumulative exhaustion of raising two kids before him to drain his mother of the willpower to impose curfews, levy punishments for poor grades, and follow through on things she had asked him to do. “My older brother alone should have completely wore her out with all the stuff he did in high school, let alone my sister. But somehow Mom still has enough left in the tank to demand that I earn my car and TV privileges instead of just letting me do whatever I want. I can’t believe she has this kind of stamina.” Shearer noted that, on the positive side, his father, Craig Shearer, 59, was just as disengaged as ever.

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