adBlockCheck

Local

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
End Of Section
  • More News

Youngest Sibling In Family Kind Of Thought Mom Would Lose Steam By Now

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Saying that she still strictly enforces household rules and closely monitors where he goes with friends, high school junior and youngest of three siblings Rob Shearer told reporters this week that he had kind of assumed his mother, Anne Shearer, 51, would have lost some steam by now. “I guess I just thought that after more than 20 years of parenting she’d be kind of beaten down, but she still makes me check in with her any time I go anywhere,” said Shearer, noting that he had been counting on the cumulative exhaustion of raising two kids before him to drain his mother of the willpower to impose curfews, levy punishments for poor grades, and follow through on things she had asked him to do. “My older brother alone should have completely wore her out with all the stuff he did in high school, let alone my sister. But somehow Mom still has enough left in the tank to demand that I earn my car and TV privileges instead of just letting me do whatever I want. I can’t believe she has this kind of stamina.” Shearer noted that, on the positive side, his father, Craig Shearer, 59, was just as disengaged as ever.

More from this section

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close