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Your Dog Died

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Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning

CHICAGO—Calmly brushing off the accident that would have normally left him incensed, local man Alex Perkins, 36, told reporters Tuesday that, all things considered, the fresh coffee stain on his shirt is not as big a deal this morning.
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Your Dog Died

Sorry You Had To Learn About It Like This, Buddy

WASHINGTON—Though it's a really lousy thing to have to read about in the newspaper, preliminary reports released Monday indicate that your dog died this weekend while you were out of town, and that they're really sorry you had to find out about it like this, buddy. "This is somewhat out of my purview, and I of course hate to be the bearer of such terrible news, but it unfortunately falls to me to tell you that your dog has passed away," said Cato Institute public policy analyst Elizabeth Bolan, who, before giving an interview regarding an education bill recently passed by Congress, noted that your cherished pet died peacefully in his sleep. "As a dog owner myself, I realize this news must be very difficult for you, especially when it's being delivered by someone you don't even know and in such an unexpected way, but your dog lived a long, full life and had an owner who clearly loved him very much. Again, we're all very, very sorry you had to hear about it like this." Sources apologized for not having been able to reach you by phone, adding that when you're ready, there are many local rescue shelters that offer animals in need of a good home, though realistically, no dog will ever be able to replace the one you just lost.

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