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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Your Dog Died

Sorry You Had To Learn About It Like This, Buddy

WASHINGTON—Though it's a really lousy thing to have to read about in the newspaper, preliminary reports released Monday indicate that your dog died this weekend while you were out of town, and that they're really sorry you had to find out about it like this, buddy. "This is somewhat out of my purview, and I of course hate to be the bearer of such terrible news, but it unfortunately falls to me to tell you that your dog has passed away," said Cato Institute public policy analyst Elizabeth Bolan, who, before giving an interview regarding an education bill recently passed by Congress, noted that your cherished pet died peacefully in his sleep. "As a dog owner myself, I realize this news must be very difficult for you, especially when it's being delivered by someone you don't even know and in such an unexpected way, but your dog lived a long, full life and had an owner who clearly loved him very much. Again, we're all very, very sorry you had to hear about it like this." Sources apologized for not having been able to reach you by phone, adding that when you're ready, there are many local rescue shelters that offer animals in need of a good home, though realistically, no dog will ever be able to replace the one you just lost.

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