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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Your Dog Died

Sorry You Had To Learn About It Like This, Buddy

WASHINGTON—Though it's a really lousy thing to have to read about in the newspaper, preliminary reports released Monday indicate that your dog died this weekend while you were out of town, and that they're really sorry you had to find out about it like this, buddy. "This is somewhat out of my purview, and I of course hate to be the bearer of such terrible news, but it unfortunately falls to me to tell you that your dog has passed away," said Cato Institute public policy analyst Elizabeth Bolan, who, before giving an interview regarding an education bill recently passed by Congress, noted that your cherished pet died peacefully in his sleep. "As a dog owner myself, I realize this news must be very difficult for you, especially when it's being delivered by someone you don't even know and in such an unexpected way, but your dog lived a long, full life and had an owner who clearly loved him very much. Again, we're all very, very sorry you had to hear about it like this." Sources apologized for not having been able to reach you by phone, adding that when you're ready, there are many local rescue shelters that offer animals in need of a good home, though realistically, no dog will ever be able to replace the one you just lost.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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