adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Grandpa Insists Someone You've Never Heard Of Should Be In Hall Of Fame

SCRANTON, PA—Your grandfather, a retired tradesman in his 80s, continues to demand that a scrappy, tenacious bulldog of a player whom no one else has ever heard of should be admitted to one of the Halls of Fame. "He'd be out there at center every game, giving it his all, playing tough, and never giving up on the play, right up until he went off to the war," your grandpa said, narrowing the unknown player's career down to 40 possible years and four possible sports. "That was before they had these new rules against tough play, too. He was all about fundamentals, playing hard every single minute, and putting in a hard day's work, either in the game or in the owner's factory during the off-season—something these spoiled millionaires today sure wouldn't understand." The only thing you are certain of concerning the player, whose name seems vaguely Italian or Polish on the occasions your grandpa mumbles it, is that he was white.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close