adBlockCheck

Local

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your High School Boyfriend Still Smoking Cigarettes In The Field Behind School

THE BALL FIELDS—According to witnesses at your old high school, the guy you let touch your boobs after the Queensrÿche concert still takes off shortly before lunch every day to sneak a smoke behind the dugouts. Although he can no longer fit into the filthy army jacket that used to impress you, sources confirmed that the paunchy, middle-aged man clumsily rolling his own Bali Shag cigarettes and hassling passing freshman is in fact the same boyfriend you defended to your mother almost two decades ago. It was not immediately apparent whether the 40-year-old claims adjuster is still trying to cheat on you with Jessica Ruffino.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close