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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Real Horoscope

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) Your memo concerning the Schinderman account has been posted in the lunchroom so that others may laugh at your poor spelling.

Taurus: (Apr. 20–May 20) Get away from it all and build yourself a nice house in the country. That way you can continue skinning mules without waking the neighbors.

Gemini: (May 21–June 21) Your underpants do not accurately represent your age or gender. Shame on you.

Cancer: (June 22–July 22) Spend a few extra moments with the kids this week. Take them to the place where fun begins—your area tile store.

Leo: (July 23–Aug. 22) Crazy antics ensue when your new roommate turns out to be a polar bear, and you’re fresh out of chum.

Virgo: (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) At last, your career in the movies has come to fruition. Too bad you’ll be decapitated by a low-swinging boom mic.

Libra: (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) Your unhealthy obsession with Mr. Magoo has gone too far. It’s not a bad idea to blind yourself with a leather punch.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24–Nov. 21) Doctors will confirm this week that lined paper causes ear cancer. Write letters on papyrus.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Love life getting a tad dull? Why not soak your genitals in mild salsa?

Capricorn: (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) You will have a great day until your intestines are yanked out by zombies. Then it will just be okay.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Assert your position firmly. Craft a space gun out of an old microwave oven to take out The Man.

Pisces: (Feb. 19–Mar. 20) Say, what’s that whistling noise? Ohmigod, AIIIIIIIIGH!

We regret to inform readers that Ms. Wyner-Io has been crushed by a meteor. Will she survive? Join us next week for the cliffhanger season finale of Ruby Wyner-Io’s Your Real Horoscope.

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