Your Real Horoscope

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Vol 24 Issue 16

Drunk Of The Week

Alcohol is EVIL! Congratulations to The Onion’sDRUNK of the WEEKMITCH MELUMMitch earned his place among Madison’s most honored drunks by head-butting an innocent Onion Operative.

Cultural Idiocy Quiz

DIRECTIONS: Name the magazine in which these features appear:1. “Picks & Pans”2. “Humor In Uniform”3.

Sonic Booms

Out of Sight, Out of MindMDID(Scat)First, MDID is a one-man band that’s been recording since 1985.

Saturday Morning Live Is A Comedic Masterpiece!

There are ulterior motives hidden behind many of the articles you read in today’s media. For example, if Time magazine runs a glowing review of a movie being released on Warner Bros., the revenue generated by the article’s influence goes to Time-Warner, In...

Professor To Publish Book

Professor Theodore L. Chaptman, a well-known professor at the university, announced that he will be publishing a book.The book, on the same subject that he teaches in his popular class at the university, will reportedly have several hundred pages.

Friction Must Be Eliminated!

If there is a Satan, fellow travellers on this hurtling ball of cosmic mud, it is friction. If there is one insidious force robbing our daily toil of its intended efficiency, it is friction.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Your Real Horoscope

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) Your memo concerning the Schinderman account has been posted in the lunchroom so that others may laugh at your poor spelling.

Taurus: (Apr. 20–May 20) Get away from it all and build yourself a nice house in the country. That way you can continue skinning mules without waking the neighbors.

Gemini: (May 21–June 21) Your underpants do not accurately represent your age or gender. Shame on you.

Cancer: (June 22–July 22) Spend a few extra moments with the kids this week. Take them to the place where fun begins—your area tile store.

Leo: (July 23–Aug. 22) Crazy antics ensue when your new roommate turns out to be a polar bear, and you’re fresh out of chum.

Virgo: (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) At last, your career in the movies has come to fruition. Too bad you’ll be decapitated by a low-swinging boom mic.

Libra: (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) Your unhealthy obsession with Mr. Magoo has gone too far. It’s not a bad idea to blind yourself with a leather punch.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24–Nov. 21) Doctors will confirm this week that lined paper causes ear cancer. Write letters on papyrus.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Love life getting a tad dull? Why not soak your genitals in mild salsa?

Capricorn: (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) You will have a great day until your intestines are yanked out by zombies. Then it will just be okay.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Assert your position firmly. Craft a space gun out of an old microwave oven to take out The Man.

Pisces: (Feb. 19–Mar. 20) Say, what’s that whistling noise? Ohmigod, AIIIIIIIIGH!

We regret to inform readers that Ms. Wyner-Io has been crushed by a meteor. Will she survive? Join us next week for the cliffhanger season finale of Ruby Wyner-Io’s Your Real Horoscope.

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