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The Onion’s Fall TV Preview

Networks are just weeks away from debuting their Fall lineups, featuring both new shows and returning favorites. The Onion breaks down what to watch this Fall.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Your Real Horoscope

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) Your memo concerning the Schinderman account has been posted in the lunchroom so that others may laugh at your poor spelling.

Taurus: (Apr. 20–May 20) Get away from it all and build yourself a nice house in the country. That way you can continue skinning mules without waking the neighbors.

Gemini: (May 21–June 21) Your underpants do not accurately represent your age or gender. Shame on you.

Cancer: (June 22–July 22) Spend a few extra moments with the kids this week. Take them to the place where fun begins—your area tile store.

Leo: (July 23–Aug. 22) Crazy antics ensue when your new roommate turns out to be a polar bear, and you’re fresh out of chum.

Virgo: (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) At last, your career in the movies has come to fruition. Too bad you’ll be decapitated by a low-swinging boom mic.

Libra: (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) Your unhealthy obsession with Mr. Magoo has gone too far. It’s not a bad idea to blind yourself with a leather punch.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24–Nov. 21) Doctors will confirm this week that lined paper causes ear cancer. Write letters on papyrus.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Love life getting a tad dull? Why not soak your genitals in mild salsa?

Capricorn: (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) You will have a great day until your intestines are yanked out by zombies. Then it will just be okay.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Assert your position firmly. Craft a space gun out of an old microwave oven to take out The Man.

Pisces: (Feb. 19–Mar. 20) Say, what’s that whistling noise? Ohmigod, AIIIIIIIIGH!

We regret to inform readers that Ms. Wyner-Io has been crushed by a meteor. Will she survive? Join us next week for the cliffhanger season finale of Ruby Wyner-Io’s Your Real Horoscope.

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