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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Real Horoscope

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) Your memo concerning the Schinderman account has been posted in the lunchroom so that others may laugh at your poor spelling.

Taurus: (Apr. 20–May 20) Get away from it all and build yourself a nice house in the country. That way you can continue skinning mules without waking the neighbors.

Gemini: (May 21–June 21) Your underpants do not accurately represent your age or gender. Shame on you.

Cancer: (June 22–July 22) Spend a few extra moments with the kids this week. Take them to the place where fun begins—your area tile store.

Leo: (July 23–Aug. 22) Crazy antics ensue when your new roommate turns out to be a polar bear, and you’re fresh out of chum.

Virgo: (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) At last, your career in the movies has come to fruition. Too bad you’ll be decapitated by a low-swinging boom mic.

Libra: (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) Your unhealthy obsession with Mr. Magoo has gone too far. It’s not a bad idea to blind yourself with a leather punch.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24–Nov. 21) Doctors will confirm this week that lined paper causes ear cancer. Write letters on papyrus.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Love life getting a tad dull? Why not soak your genitals in mild salsa?

Capricorn: (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) You will have a great day until your intestines are yanked out by zombies. Then it will just be okay.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Assert your position firmly. Craft a space gun out of an old microwave oven to take out The Man.

Pisces: (Feb. 19–Mar. 20) Say, what’s that whistling noise? Ohmigod, AIIIIIIIIGH!

We regret to inform readers that Ms. Wyner-Io has been crushed by a meteor. Will she survive? Join us next week for the cliffhanger season finale of Ruby Wyner-Io’s Your Real Horoscope.

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