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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Real Horoscope

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) You’ll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love. Then you’ll be flattened by a stampede of oxen.

Taurus: (Apr. 20–May 20) Financial dealings look brighter now that you’ve cashed in that jar of pennies. Spend that $12 wisely.

Gemini: (May 21–June 21) The stars say you should get a pet because they are a great source of companionship and cheap meat.

Cancer: (June 22–July 22) Don’t be self-conscious about a little unwanted facial hair. Electrolysis can remove that, monkey boy.

Leo: (July 23–Aug. 22) A long rest is in order when you splinter both tibias and fibulas.

Virgo: (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) A large sum of cash in a pink envelope will arrive in your mailbox today. Use it to purchase thirty cases of Sizzlean.

Libra: (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) A tour of a peanut factory ends in tragedy when you are accidentally honey-roasted.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24–Nov. 21) With summer around the corner, it’s time to get in shape. Have your beefy mid-section excised by a plastic surgeon.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Improve your performance at the office. Slaughter your co-workers to eliminate competition.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) You’ll save thousands of dollars in food bills when you become a plant. Stock up on fresh soil.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Now that the kids are all grown-up, it’s time for you and your spouse to rekindle old flames. Get that much-delayed divorce.

Pisces: (Feb. 19–Mar. 20) You’ll make a mint with your revolutionary sexual aid—a synthetic foreskin.

Ms. Wyner-Io has just entered the computer age. Your Real Horoscope can be purchased on computer punch card or home video game cartridge (available for Intellivision only) at any Mr. Steak outlet.

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