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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Real Horoscope

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) You’ll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love. Then you’ll be flattened by a stampede of oxen.

Taurus: (Apr. 20–May 20) Financial dealings look brighter now that you’ve cashed in that jar of pennies. Spend that $12 wisely.

Gemini: (May 21–June 21) The stars say you should get a pet because they are a great source of companionship and cheap meat.

Cancer: (June 22–July 22) Don’t be self-conscious about a little unwanted facial hair. Electrolysis can remove that, monkey boy.

Leo: (July 23–Aug. 22) A long rest is in order when you splinter both tibias and fibulas.

Virgo: (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) A large sum of cash in a pink envelope will arrive in your mailbox today. Use it to purchase thirty cases of Sizzlean.

Libra: (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) A tour of a peanut factory ends in tragedy when you are accidentally honey-roasted.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24–Nov. 21) With summer around the corner, it’s time to get in shape. Have your beefy mid-section excised by a plastic surgeon.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Improve your performance at the office. Slaughter your co-workers to eliminate competition.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) You’ll save thousands of dollars in food bills when you become a plant. Stock up on fresh soil.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Now that the kids are all grown-up, it’s time for you and your spouse to rekindle old flames. Get that much-delayed divorce.

Pisces: (Feb. 19–Mar. 20) You’ll make a mint with your revolutionary sexual aid—a synthetic foreskin.

Ms. Wyner-Io has just entered the computer age. Your Real Horoscope can be purchased on computer punch card or home video game cartridge (available for Intellivision only) at any Mr. Steak outlet.

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