Your Real Horoscope

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Vol 29 Issue 14

San Diego Zoo Acquires Chinese Man

SAN DIEGO, CA—The San Diego Zoo, home to the world’s largest collection of animals in captivity, added its first human specimen Monday, acquiring Chinese man Xiang Zhengzhou from the Paris Metro Zoo.

Umabomber Captured

In a spectacular climax to the longest manhunt ever mounted by the FBI, federal agents captured the notorious, glamorous Umabomber yesterday.

Spring is a Great Time for Sex

One of the longest winters on record has drawn to a close. As the snow melts away and warm breezes begin blowing through the new season, the American people will begin the slow process of healing themselves from the psychological and spiritual ravages of ...

Middle Management Prepares for 'Operation Xerox-Fax'

HARTFORD, CT—Middle management officials at Coopers & Schmidt, a Hartford-based insurance claims adjustment firm, are busy gearing up this week for Operation Xerox-Fax, a covert, high-stakes faxing mission scheduled for April 23.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Real Horoscope

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) You’ll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love. Then you’ll be flattened by a stampede of oxen.

Taurus: (Apr. 20–May 20) Financial dealings look brighter now that you’ve cashed in that jar of pennies. Spend that $12 wisely.

Gemini: (May 21–June 21) The stars say you should get a pet because they are a great source of companionship and cheap meat.

Cancer: (June 22–July 22) Don’t be self-conscious about a little unwanted facial hair. Electrolysis can remove that, monkey boy.

Leo: (July 23–Aug. 22) A long rest is in order when you splinter both tibias and fibulas.

Virgo: (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) A large sum of cash in a pink envelope will arrive in your mailbox today. Use it to purchase thirty cases of Sizzlean.

Libra: (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) A tour of a peanut factory ends in tragedy when you are accidentally honey-roasted.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24–Nov. 21) With summer around the corner, it’s time to get in shape. Have your beefy mid-section excised by a plastic surgeon.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Improve your performance at the office. Slaughter your co-workers to eliminate competition.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) You’ll save thousands of dollars in food bills when you become a plant. Stock up on fresh soil.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Now that the kids are all grown-up, it’s time for you and your spouse to rekindle old flames. Get that much-delayed divorce.

Pisces: (Feb. 19–Mar. 20) You’ll make a mint with your revolutionary sexual aid—a synthetic foreskin.

Ms. Wyner-Io has just entered the computer age. Your Real Horoscope can be purchased on computer punch card or home video game cartridge (available for Intellivision only) at any Mr. Steak outlet.

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