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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Your Republican Friend To Explain Why Paul Ryan Is Great Choice

NEW YORK—Sources confirmed that in response to Mitt Romney's announcement of Paul Ryan as his vice presidential running mate, your Republican friend will soon explain to you that while the Wisconsin representative may appear to be a risky pick, he actually brings more to the ticket than you'd think. "If you stop for a second to consider his experience defending his "Path to Prosperity" budget in Congress, the fact that he hails from a swing state, and his keen political instincts, Paul Ryan makes perfect sense," your Republican friend will reportedly tell you this week, making sure to reference his earlier Facebook post observing that Ryan's latest Medicare proposal is co-sponsored by a Senate Democrat. "Combine that with his youthful energy and record of demolishing every opponent he's ever faced, and you’ve got a pretty strong ticket." The detailed explanation is expected to be a marked departure from 2008, when, following the selection of Sarah Palin, your Republican friend remained completely silent.

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