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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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‘You’re My Best Friend,’ Says Obama To Drone That Appears Outside Bedroom Window Every Night

WASHINGTON—White House sources confirmed that after hearing a gentle tap on his window Thursday evening, President Barack Obama stepped out onto the Truman balcony to meet with the predator drone that appears outside his bedroom every night at 9 p.m. “Ah, there you are, old friend; almost thought you weren’t coming tonight,” the President reportedly said to the unmanned aerial vehicle before affectionately patting its antenna dome, telling the drone that it was “truly good” to see it, and asking about who it killed that day. “You’re the only one that gets me, the only one I trust. It’s just you and me from here on out, old pal. You’re my best friend in the whole world.” After leaning in, sharing a private joke with the remotely controlled vehicle, and laughing heartily, sources confirmed that the president said “Go get ’em!” and quietly watched the drone fly off into the night sky.

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