adBlockCheck

Youth Pastor Forced To Break Out 'Hell Is Not Disneyland' Speech

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Youth Pastor Forced To Break Out 'Hell Is Not Disneyland' Speech

EVANSVILLE, IN—A mere eight days into United Methodist Church's summer Bible school, youth pastor John Dearden, 49, was forced to break out his trademark "Hell Is Not Disneyland" speech Monday, outlining the differences between eternal damnation and the popular Anaheim, CA, theme park.

Dearden sets the misbehaving students straight.

"Hell is not Disneyland, people," said Dearden, unleashing a 12-minute version of the oft-delivered speech on a group of misbehaving fifth and sixth graders. "You may think this is funny now, but you won't be laughing when it's time to meet your maker. You won't be riding in teacups and drinking soda pop down there, believe you me. You'll be wishing you'd heeded God's Word."

Dearden, who has directed the church's youth program since 1987, pulled out the speech after the rambunctious children repeatedly ignored warnings to settle down.

"I've warned you time and time again that I was not going to tolerate this sort of behavior in God's house," said Dearden, returning to the classroom to find erasers flying and students out of their seats. "And what happens when I leave for five minutes? This."

At approximately 10:20 a.m., Dearden left the youths alone in the classroom, instructing them to work quietly on their "Thank God For..." posters while he went to the office to help Mrs. Carlson change the ink in the ditto machine. When Dearden returned some six minutes later, the classroom was in chaos. Students were screaming and throwing markers, the felt board had been pulled off the wall, and the homework assignment on the chalkboard had been altered to read, "Thank God For... Going Home."

"Do you know what the Bible says about Hell?" Dearden asked the suddenly silent group. "Hell is a place of blackest darkness with smoke and unquenchable fire. Matthew 24:51 says, 'He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.' Does this sound like Disneyland to you? It sure doesn't to me."

"Who do you think will be in Hell with you?" Dearden continued. "Not Dopey and Sleepy. Not Peter Pan. You will be surrounded by the cowardly, the faithless, the polluted, the murderers, the fornicators, the idolators, and the liars."

Dearden, who first devised the "Hell Is Not Disneyland" speech in 1989, has pulled it out an estimated 20 times since. Monday marked the first time in nearly two years that he was forced to compare "The Happiest Place On Earth" with the eternal damnation awaiting children who fail to consider the consequences of their actions.

According to Dearden, this summer's class is "the wildest I've seen in years." In addition to whispering during prayer time, running in the hallways, and wasting craft materials, the group recently knocked the folding classroom divider off its tracks in before-class roughhousing and is believed responsible for the June 5 breakage of the bathroom soap dispenser.

Giggling was heard as Dearden continued his description of how the Lake of Fire differs from the home of Mickey Mouse and Goofy.

"You will not be laughing," Dearden said. "It will not be a big game. There will not be cotton candy or balloons. Or any happy little elves singing 'It's A Small World.' And Hell never closes, kids. It's open all night, every night until the end of all time. You won't be going back to the hotel with your family and watching HBO. There's no TV in Hell, and the Devil and all the demons with tongues of fire and hooves for feet will be your new family."

Added Dearden: "If you find yourself in Hell, you'll be wishing you had been paying attention to the Bible instead of Gregory [Reiderer]'s and Chris [Anderson]'s antics."

Dearden wrapped up the diatribe with any remaining Disneyland references he could summon.

"In Hell, the Haunted Mansion is real, haunted with the souls of those who failed to heed God's word," Dearden said. "There's no Main Street USA in Hell. You think it will be like a trip to Space Mountain? Well, it's not. It's Hell, and it isn't a party. You remember that. Now, let's get back to those collages."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close