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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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YouTube Reaches 1 Trillion Racist Comments

SAN BRUNO, CA—The Silicon Valley headquarters of YouTube reportedly erupted in cheers shortly after 10 a.m. local time Thursday as the popular video-sharing service celebrated the 1 trillionth racist comment posted to its website. “When we created YouTube back in 2005, we knew it had the potential to revolutionize the way people make highly offensive and insensitive remarks based purely on a stranger’s racial or ethnic characteristics, but we never dreamed we would make it to 1 trillion of these repugnant comments,” said CEO Salar Kamangar, noting that the milestone comment “ching chong,” posted by user StinkFingaz below a video of a Japanese man painting, would be commemorated on a large bronze plaque in the company’s offices. “It’s hard to even comprehend how many completely ignorant comments 1 trillion is. We’re truly humbled by our dedicated and extremely uneducated users who make such vile and imperceptive statements each and every day. Thank you, everyone.” Kamangar confirmed that reaching the milestone had reinforced the company’s commitment to expanding its servers later this year, which will allow the site to handle up to 1 million “fucking faggot” comments every second.

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