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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Zagat Editor A 'Nice Guy' But 'Kind Of Boring'

NEW YORK—Chris Dantley, editor of the Zagat restaurant guide for New York, received mixed reviews Monday from women who have dated him. "'Well-heeled' 'outgoing' man offers pleasant-enough company but 'loves to talk about self' and 'blows half his jokes,'" reviewers said of the 35-year-old Dantley, located on East 81st Street near Third Avenue. "'Free smiles' and 'snappy dress' don't go far enough to offset 'strained compliments' and 'inappropriate come-hither looks.'" Dantley's midsection was also panned as "overly doughy."

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