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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings. “When you’ve gotten drinks with someone a few times over the past couple of months, the surprise gift of a 2-karat princess-cut diamond in a white gold setting is a beautiful way to show that person you’re ready to continue meeting up for sex without any emotional complications for the time being,” Zales spokesperson Stephanie Hewitt said of the new rings, which range in price from just under $1,000 to $30,000 and are designed to symbolize “the special way you feel when you’re not ready to use labels like ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ and possibly never will be.” “You can customize the engraving on your ring or use one of our pre-written sentiments such as ‘This has been great’ and ‘Thanks for keeping things chill.’ And since you’ve almost certainly agreed to not be exclusive, we even have discounted packages of up to 12 rings that you can hand out to multiple intimate partners.” At press time, Zales confirmed it would soon be unveiling a one-night stand diamond ring specially crafted to be left on the kitchen table as you quietly let yourself out the next morning.

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