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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings. “When you’ve gotten drinks with someone a few times over the past couple of months, the surprise gift of a 2-karat princess-cut diamond in a white gold setting is a beautiful way to show that person you’re ready to continue meeting up for sex without any emotional complications for the time being,” Zales spokesperson Stephanie Hewitt said of the new rings, which range in price from just under $1,000 to $30,000 and are designed to symbolize “the special way you feel when you’re not ready to use labels like ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ and possibly never will be.” “You can customize the engraving on your ring or use one of our pre-written sentiments such as ‘This has been great’ and ‘Thanks for keeping things chill.’ And since you’ve almost certainly agreed to not be exclusive, we even have discounted packages of up to 12 rings that you can hand out to multiple intimate partners.” At press time, Zales confirmed it would soon be unveiling a one-night stand diamond ring specially crafted to be left on the kitchen table as you quietly let yourself out the next morning.

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