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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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'Zero Dark Thirty' Reveals Navy SEALs Killed Bin Laden By Frantically Throwing Whatever They Could Find At Him

LOS ANGELES—According to reviews this week of Kathryn Bigelow’s thriller Zero Dark Thirty, which chronicles the 10-year hunt for Osama bin Laden, the film’s climactic scene features a team of U.S. Navy SEALs shrieking in terror as they gradually kill the al-Qaeda leader by throwing a variety of nearby objects at him. “The mood is tense and silent as SEAL Team Six infiltrates the infamous Abbottabad compound, but then all hell breaks loose when bin Laden emerges from behind a door, causing the whole squadron to start yelling wildly as they pelt him with shoes, cups, and flimsy pieces of drywall,” wrote New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis, who mentioned that the hectic five-minute sequence shows bin Laden stumbling around with his head stuck in a sweatshirt thrown by one of the SEALs, bashing into various fixtures and shouting, “Ow, ow!” “Meanwhile, in the helicopter floating above the hideout, two SEALs scream directly into each other’s faces while they desperately try to fly the aircraft away from bin Laden, who is also screaming throughout the entire scene.” The remainder of the film then reportedly focuses on the SEALs tentatively kicking bin Laden’s corpse before retreating several feet and anxiously watching to see if he is still moving.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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