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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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'Zero Dark Thirty' Reveals Navy SEALs Killed Bin Laden By Frantically Throwing Whatever They Could Find At Him

LOS ANGELES—According to reviews this week of Kathryn Bigelow’s thriller Zero Dark Thirty, which chronicles the 10-year hunt for Osama bin Laden, the film’s climactic scene features a team of U.S. Navy SEALs shrieking in terror as they gradually kill the al-Qaeda leader by throwing a variety of nearby objects at him. “The mood is tense and silent as SEAL Team Six infiltrates the infamous Abbottabad compound, but then all hell breaks loose when bin Laden emerges from behind a door, causing the whole squadron to start yelling wildly as they pelt him with shoes, cups, and flimsy pieces of drywall,” wrote New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis, who mentioned that the hectic five-minute sequence shows bin Laden stumbling around with his head stuck in a sweatshirt thrown by one of the SEALs, bashing into various fixtures and shouting, “Ow, ow!” “Meanwhile, in the helicopter floating above the hideout, two SEALs scream directly into each other’s faces while they desperately try to fly the aircraft away from bin Laden, who is also screaming throughout the entire scene.” The remainder of the film then reportedly focuses on the SEALs tentatively kicking bin Laden’s corpse before retreating several feet and anxiously watching to see if he is still moving.

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