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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Zika Virus Joins Lack Of Paid Leave, Unaffordable Child Care As Reasons Woman Afraid Of Getting Pregnant

GALVESTON, TX—Amid a spate of public health warnings this week regarding the infectious disease’s devastating effects on fetal development, the Zika virus reportedly joined a lack of paid maternity leave and unaffordable child care as reasons why local woman Shannon Kemp is afraid of becoming pregnant. “I was going to hold off getting pregnant for a few years anyway out of fear that my company might let me go when they find out, but this whole Zika scare certainly doesn’t help things either,” said the 26-year-old, explaining that the threat of giving birth to a child with an underdeveloped brain was just one of a litany of reasons behind her dread of becoming pregnant, including the likelihood of being passed over for promotions, the lower salaries received by mothers, the rising cost of prenatal care, the rising cost of postnatal care, the increased difficulty in being hired should she want or need to switch jobs, and the social stigma associated with breastfeeding in public. “Honestly, this really isn’t even the thing that worries me most about getting pregnant. It’s definitely good to be aware of, but even if they find a cure for Zika tomorrow, it’s not like I can afford to get pregnant under my current insurance plan.” Kemp added that it’s a good thing she still has limited access to expensive contraception.

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