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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Zogby Poll: John Zogby Coolest Dude In America

WASHINGTON—In a poll taken by Zogby International, 100 percent of respondents agreed that American pollster John Zogby is the coolest dude in the United States of America, including Puerto Rico, Guam, and all of the other U.S. territories. The poll results were posted on Zogby.com all day Thursday and revealed that, of the 300 million citizens surveyed, John Zogby not only had the coolest friends, but was also easily the coolest guy in both high school and college. In addition, when Americans were asked who would be the one person they would most like to "hang" with if given the opportunity, every one of them responded with "John Zogby." The poll, a Zogby representative said, has a zero percent margin of error and is potentially one of the most awesome polls ever conducted.

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