adBlockCheck

Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet

Top Headlines

Recent News

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet

STONY BROOK, NY—In a dramatic reversal of decades-old medical wisdom, the late Dr. Albert Rossum, director of the O'Bannon Institute For Postmortem Nutritional Studies, recommended an all-brain diet for zombies Tuesday.

Dr. Albert Rossum (1940-1991) announces the findings.

"Our research indicates that live human brains are not merely the cornerstone of a healthy diet; they are, in fact, the only food an active adult zombie should consume at all," Rossum said during a press conference at the institute, located at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. "A daily three-pound serving of brains supplies all the vital sugars, neurons, and ganglia essential to promoting zombie fitness and slowing the decomposition process."

The Rossum Plan challenges the traditional zombie food pyramid, which consists of five to seven daily servings of human hearts, three to four servings of livers or eyeballs, and two servings of brains. Instead, Rossum advocates a four-level pyramid, with all four levels consisting of as many servings of brains as possible.

"Ideally, the brains should be consumed fresh from the head of the victim," said Rossum, widely considered the nation's leading expert in the field of undead nutrition. "However, precious scraps of brain may also be pried from the fingers of other brain-crazed zombies. Failing that, dropped brains may be slurped from the ground by a third party to such a scuffle."

Added Rossum: "Braaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnns!"

Nutritionists at the Romero Foundation For Zombie Health, the nation's oldest zombie-health organization, were dismissive of Rossum's announcement.

"The O'Bannon Institute's plan is a reckless fad diet," the late Dr. Vincent Peters said. "Five servings each day from the neurosensory group, made up of the brain, spinal column, and nervous system, as well as from the vascular, digestive, and pulmonary groups, are the best way to maintain robust zombie health. It is an established fact."

Told of Peters' remarks, Rossum strenuously disagreed, citing recent tests conducted by his institute.

The revised Zombie Food Pyramid.

"Studies have shown that zombies who follow the Romero school of nutrition can be stopped with a single bullet to the brainstem," Rossum said. "On the other hand, our exhaustive studies conclusively show that the newer, fitter breed of zombies who adhere to an all-brain diet cannot be subdued by anything short of total incineration."

Rossum's detractors are quick to point out that a high percentage of zombies in his studies are young accidental-death victims, many still in their teens, recruited from the punk-rock-fan community. Such individuals, critics charge, are too healthy and recently deceased to be reliable subjects in long-term dietary studies.

Critics also charge that a diet consisting entirely of brains would not be likely to attract many followers due to its monotonous nature. Rossum again disagreed.

"There is still ample room for dietary variety in this plan," Rossum said. "One day, you might make a spicy South Of The Border treat of a Mexican person's brains. The next, you could enjoy the Far East taste sensation of an Asian. There are so many different kinds of heads to tear open, there's no reason ever to get bored."

Rossum then stepped down from the podium and descended upon New York Times photographer Dennis Levitan, cracking his skull open and devouring his brains.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close