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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Zoologists: Ape Neurology Much Like That Of Banana-Obsessed Humans

AUBURN, AL—According to a new study published Monday by zoologists at Auburn University, the neurological framework of an ape is in fact incredibly close to that of a human being who is obsessed with bananas. “Though their brain size and specific cerebral functions differ, apes share a striking and uncanny common neurological bond with humans who spend the vast majority of their waking life thinking about bananas,” said lead researcher Dr. Leonard Franklin, adding that the pleasure center in the frontal cortex of both a banana-obsessed human and an ape light up almost identically at the mere sight of even a picture of a ripe, yellow banana. “While we had always guessed that there was a strong similarity in the brain activity of the average adult ape and the average human being who maniacally covets bananas all day, every day, these results go far beyond our earlier assumptions. You can clearly see the stark similarities when you present either with an actual banana. In both cases, their pupils will swiftly dilate, they will emit an excited grunting sound, and they will wildly swat at the fruit in an attempt to grab and eat it. It’s extraordinary.” Franklin also speculated that humans share a close link with chimpanzees who are riddled with constant anxiety and depression.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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