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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Zoologists: Ape Neurology Much Like That Of Banana-Obsessed Humans

AUBURN, AL—According to a new study published Monday by zoologists at Auburn University, the neurological framework of an ape is in fact incredibly close to that of a human being who is obsessed with bananas. “Though their brain size and specific cerebral functions differ, apes share a striking and uncanny common neurological bond with humans who spend the vast majority of their waking life thinking about bananas,” said lead researcher Dr. Leonard Franklin, adding that the pleasure center in the frontal cortex of both a banana-obsessed human and an ape light up almost identically at the mere sight of even a picture of a ripe, yellow banana. “While we had always guessed that there was a strong similarity in the brain activity of the average adult ape and the average human being who maniacally covets bananas all day, every day, these results go far beyond our earlier assumptions. You can clearly see the stark similarities when you present either with an actual banana. In both cases, their pupils will swiftly dilate, they will emit an excited grunting sound, and they will wildly swat at the fruit in an attempt to grab and eat it. It’s extraordinary.” Franklin also speculated that humans share a close link with chimpanzees who are riddled with constant anxiety and depression.

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